Sunday, 23 February 2014

DIARY OF A FAT MAN - CONDITION SERIOUS HAI


2nd January 2014

Dear Diary,
On New Year's Eve, I committed the mistake of suggesting the idea of New Year's Resolutions to Wifey dear. To top it off, I told her my resolution was to lose at least 10 kgs. I thought she'd like the joke, but forgot that it's the Patni who decides what's a joke and what's not. Since morning, she's been keeping a strict tab on my input food intake. In the beginning, it felt cute, but now it feels like my every move is being watched. I'm afraid...very very afraid. Whoever thought she'd get so serious about my joke? Condition serious hai Bhidu!

9th January 2014

Dear Diary,
It was my birthday today. Wifey got together with my parents and planned a surprise birthday party for me. They got me a beautiful cake with lotsa chocolate and cream. There couldn't have been a more cruel gesture. Thanks to my wife's diet regimen (for me, of course), I only got to cut my cake. The eating domain was reserved only for the family. Dinner was mutton dum biryani for them and sprouts salad for me. I don't even know how to pronounce salad properly. I have a strong sense that Wifey has taken Mom aboard on her no-good mission. I ain't liking this at all. Bada serious maamla hai!

19th January 2014

Dear Diary,
Wifey has bought a brand new measuring tape, the one that carpenters use. The previous one was shorter than my belt she says - not that I cared. She also told me that she wants to buy an electronic weighing scale, after the old analog one showed that I'd managed to restrict my weight to 120 kgs. Wifey said something about the analog scale's maximum capacity being 120 kgs, but I don't understand what that means. Things are getting worse day by day for me. This weight-loss programme is turning out to be a huge burden on my finances - so what if we saved costs on 2 litres of oil and 5 kg of aata this month?

27th January 2014

Dear Diary,
I hate green tea! I hate green tea! I hate green tea! I HATE GREEN TEA!!!!!

5th February 2014

Dear Diary,
Wifey dear bought me a nice and cosy exercise mat. Pink was not the colour I was looking for, but I guess I'll ignore the shade for the comfort it gives. I reckon lying on the floor with my bag of buttered popcorn watching football would be much more fun with this mat. By the way, Wifey thinks I'm using it to do ab-crunches, and is dreaming of a six-pack by the end of this month. In my opinion, a sleeker family-pack would be more like it. Time for my evening snack. Catch you later!

18th February 2014

Dear Diary,
I've forgotten what chicken tastes like. I miss ice-cream. Has Pepsi come out with a new flavour in the past month? I want chocolate! Lemme go grab my evening snack!

23rd February 2014

Dear Diary,
Wifey's electronic weighing scale says I'm 118 kgs now. After all the hard work, this is what I get? Just 2 kgs lost? This is insane. The b#@*h is lying I tell you, stupid no-good machine! I could bet I saw WIFEY sob inconsolably as she picked up the phone and dialled my Mom's number. I really don't know where I've gone wrong. I think resolutions and me don't get along too well, huh? Condition bada SERIOUS hai, I tell you. Anyway, time for my evening snack. Does wifey know? Nah! It's our lil secret. Cadbury 5 Star is awesome, Jo Khaaye Kho Jaye!

Five per day is okay, right?

This post is written for Indiblogge'sr Cadbury Five Star contest - #Condition Serious Hai.



Like Cadbury 5 Star Facebook Page for your daily dose of starry yum-yum!

90 comments:

  1. Lol, kha lo, your diary won't tell anyone.
    P-S Is your wife on facebook?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haila! Dhamki?? I will file charges against you u/s 503 and 507 of the IPC!!

      If, however, you're buddies with the judge, do lemme know where you want your carton of 5 stars despatched ;-D

      Delete
  2. LOL !! Losing weight can sometimes get on our nerves ! I understand you !

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You definitely dont look like you've ever needed to tax your nerves to lose weight...whadda u know abt weight loss? :P

      Delete
  3. Hahahahahahhhahahah... I so so so can relate with your dilemmas in life. I am someone who struggled (and still continues to struggle) with the nitty gritties of weight loss!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My dilemmas?? Hello! The character in this post bears no resemblance to any person living or dead (who am I kidding). :P

      All the best for your mission. Wish me luck too :d

      Delete
  4. Hahaha sorry but I want to LOL now :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Carry on! Exactly what I was looking for anyway :d

      Delete
  5. ROFL !
    wifey is always right !
    Condition sach me serious hai
    Such a fun take
    Loved it

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks. All the best for the contest :)

      Delete
  6. This is damn funny! Well thanks for reminding I too have a pink yoga mat catching dust some where...need to hunt that out ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahaha.

      Btw, I don't really have a pink exercise mat. In fact, I don't have an exercise mat at all. I don't need any extra cushion anyway :P

      Delete
  7. haha.. better late than never..! diet ke saath wifey didn't enrol u into a gym ?? :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Enroll? You mean roll me out into a gym? Pretty hard work :p

      Delete
  8. Hahhahhahhhhh , am i glad im back here or wat!!!!! oh the stubborn fat mixed with 5 choclates a day, ehem!!!.. Sprout salad aint all dat bad :P ... :d ... Loved it , sucha a diff take and lovely write up :D ... From gettingteh digital weighing machine to not being able to eat your own cake !!! *HAts off*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you :) Five kilos...erm...5 stars coming your way :d

      Delete
  9. Great read. Mutton Biryani, dum walla ..... sigh!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You on a diet dude? :O

      Thanks for visiting :)

      Delete
  10. hahaha! This is so funny..btw I hate green tea too :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. U only hate it...i HATE it...notice the dum in the uppercase :d

      Delete
  11. Haha.. Poor u, but I cant stop laughing :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Laughing makes you gain weight a wise guy once told me :P. Its a good thing :D

      Delete
  12. Lol, that was hilarious :D
    Loved it, Loved it, Loved it..:D :D :P *Claps*
    Good luck for the contest...:D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Jemina. *takes a bow*

      Delete
  13. OMG....what an ordeal !!! I have one jar of green tea and 3 diff filter coffee jars and one awesome instant coffee...my kitchen is full of short cuts for quick bites....especially suited for boys ranging from 3 to 35...wonder when ur wife will catch me ?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll manage the wife. When're you inviting me for the feast? :P

      Delete
  14. LOL :D This was a fun and funny read! Is it a true story? :P
    All the best for the contest! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not entirely. My wife is an angel :d

      Delete
  15. Please you must do away with the word verification from the comments! It is painful :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I put it to work only last week. Frankly speaking, it seems to be doing its job quite well. i used to get a minimum of 40 spam comments a day prior to that.

      Delete
  16. Hahaha condition to bohut serious hai bidu :D it would be even more fun if your wife comes to know of your snacking secret :) all the best...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No No!!!...Jin Tu Jalaal Tu, Aayi Balaa Ko Taal Tu!!!

      Delete
  17. Ohh btw I loveeee green tea... Can't pass a day without drinking it... Yeah I know I got no taste buds :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You love green tea??? You're one eco-friendly green lover! :P

      Delete
  18. Isshhhhhh been few months i m thinking of starting green tea ;) wify loves u a lot

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes she does!!! I love her too!! But let me reiterate..I HATE GREEN TEA :p

      Delete
  19. Ha ha ha, mamla bahut hi serious hai :D Good luck for the contest, Jeetne ke baad 5-star baantna mat bhoolna :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Pakka! Nahi jeeta toh please 5-star ka ek carton humein console karne ke liye bhijwa dena ;)

      Delete
  20. Your wife is ambitious... I don't even bother encouraging my husband to lose weight. I figure when he really wants to he'll motivate himself!

    Good luck on the contest :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha! I'm gonna show this comment to my wife :D

      Delete
  21. Hahaha :P
    This was something :'D I can so very well empathise with the gentleman making these diary entries...
    P.S. On a serious note, 5 star IS irresistible :|

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yep. Especially the Fruit n Nuts one.

      Delete
  22. This is hilarious :-). And I am sure we all can painfully relate to this on some level.

    You are a very good with your words :-)

    ReplyDelete
  23. nice blog...keep in touch...:) plz join my blog
    http://9shonalimukherji9.blogspot.in/

    ReplyDelete
  24. HAHAHAHAHA OMGGGG! It made me laugh. Well best of luck with this. Its okay to cheat once in a while. I believe in eating and devouring and not caring if I will get fat or not. You only live once so why care?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hehe...true true!

      Thanks for dropping in. Howre you doing?

      Delete
  25. Hey !
    This was awesome ... The climax was really good !!
    :))))

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Deepa. Do Visit again :)

      Delete
  26. This is one of the best posts i have read contesting for that one. Hilarious. Green tea does taste yuck! With 5 fivestars a day one can still lose two kg? Wow !

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks :)

      Yea...At that rate, I can lose 10 kgs with 25 fivestars a day. Wanna try? :P

      Delete
  27. My, my, your wife is brutal. lol
    While, I blaming it on your sense of humor. Haha. Just kidding. I am surprised why I never stumbled upon your blog, given that you were writing it from 2007. Thank you for dropping by blog which made me come here.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. While, I blame it on your*, dropping by my blog* (kitch kitch)
      I hate that blogger doesn't give us the edit option.

      Delete
    2. My sense of humor makes my wife brutal?? I thought my sense of humour brought happiness in people's lives :(

      Yup, been here since 2007. I never came across your blog either. But theek hai. Der aaye durust aaye :)

      Keep by dropping.

      Delete
    3. *Keep dropping by*. yeah, I want that darn edit button too :P

      Delete
  28. Hahahhaha Awesome one :) Take it you are the winner ;)
    And BTW did u peak into my brain? actually when I also thought of attempting this contest weight management and chocolate was the first thought but could never get it out :) you have done an awesome job :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm the winner already?? Gee, Thanks :) That was really sweet of you.

      Hope the judges are sweet as well :P

      I peeked into your mind huh? Well, since I wrote it first, I win :P

      Thanks for the comment :)

      Delete
  29. This for sure is scripted in sanity... Loved the way you have described it. I hope that's a fiction and condition is not that serious... Even though if at all it is serious 118 kgs :O and then you were joking- condition serious hai kyunki aap brave hain... Loved this line " thought she'd like the joke, but forgot that it's the Patni who decides what's a joke and what's not."

    All the best for the contest... :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ahem ahem....118 is not fiction :P

      Glad you liked it :)

      Delete
  30. I don't know why but how ever much I eat I still stay thin! Its like I am meant to stay thin
    I guess losing weight requires efforts! As much as gaining weight! Eating too little and too much is both difficult!
    Great post funny indeed!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lucky you.I envy you...Grrrrr

      Delete
  31. Hahahaha.
    Good luck with the weightloss resolution, even though it was initially meant as a joke, seems like your wife will make sure you fulfill it :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah...wives always have their way...

      Or so they think ;)

      Delete
  32. I absolutely loved this blog!! Thanks for showing me the way. However, reading on black background gives a headache. :( I hope you change the theme to something that's easier on the eyes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But I love Black. it's my favourite colour. anything goes with black. Also, it might sound crazy, but black backgrounds help in saving power.

      Go check out www.blackle.com

      Thanks for visiting :)

      Delete
  33. I love paav bhaaji especially the ones on the lorry. Didn't know when I last had it. :'(
    Losing weight is a pain in the ass trust me! :/
    Welcome to the 'forever fat no matter what' club ! :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Forever fat club? You??? Oh puhleezzzz!!! :P

      Delete
    2. Yess ! Actually I'm born fatty kinds so people are soo accustomed to my fat that they don't even notice it. :P

      Delete
  34. LOLOL...and he managed to lose 2 kgs even with 5 Cadburys a day?? All the best for the contest.

    ReplyDelete
  35. This post remind me of the days when my husband and I were on diet! Funny post. Good luck for the contest!:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're not on a diet anymore? It worked wonders eh? :)

      Thanks a lot Payal :)

      Delete
    2. Diet..no way! it's history! :)

      Delete
    3. You lost weight then huh? Congratulations! :d

      Delete
  36. Hi, you haven't updated this space for a long time... I would love to read more from you. DO you have a diff blog

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Updated just a minute ago! Hope you like it.

      Bas ek hi blog hai madame. :)

      Delete
  37. Losing weight can b a real pain in th a** smtyms but a cdbury 5* defntly relievs u frm all pain

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When you have a chocolate bar in your hand, weight loss programs can go to hell :P

      Delete
  38. Wow! Your blog is awesome. How did I miss that?! Congrats on losing 2 kgs :P But it's a start,no? :D I really liked that part when your wife bought you a bigger tape and a weighing machine as well ! Did it really happen? :D I hope to catch up on the awesome of your blog real soon ^_^

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad you liked my blog. Keep visiting :)

      Delete
  39. I hate green tea , I hate grean tea , I HATE GREEN TEA too :p
    Remember reading ur entry ,
    Super fun , can relate ,
    All the best !

    ReplyDelete
  40. hahaha loved ur post! I can relate to ur story...every yr begins with this resolution! Every year! I shall overcome some day ;)

    All the best!

    ReplyDelete

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