TWO MINUTES

This post has been published by me as a part of the Blog-a-Ton 29; the 29th Edition of the online marathon of Bloggers; where we decide and we write. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton. The topic for this month is 'TWO MINUTES'.

This post won the GOLD batom (1st position)

Butch Arnold felt his face for signs of stubble. It never felt smoother. He couldn't remember the last time he had shaved. It felt good, but only momentarily. In less than an hour it'd all go to waste. He was to die at the gallows today.

He leaned against the dirty wall of his cell, eyes fixed on the floor. He thought about how life, as he knew it, was going to end without him having accomplished his goal. How close he had gotten. He thought about how those darned detectives had gotten the better of him, just before he could have completed a milestone. What a shame! His mind dwelled upon his diary, and his eyes turned moist. He didn't notice the sound of quiet footfalls nearing his cell.

The guard stopped right in front of the door. "Dead man thinking, eh!!" he sniggered, careful not to graduate to full-fetched guffaws.

Butch raised his head. "Are we ready to go?"

"I hate to ask, it really doesn't matter much to me...", the guard stifled a smile, "...but I have to ask you something before we send you packing."

"Sure, go ahead", said Butch, eyes now fixed on the ceiling as if looking towards the heavens.

"Uhm, okay", the guard let out a long-drawn yawn that seemed to echo through the corridors of the prison. When he was done, he cracked his fingers, placed both hands behind his head and asked uninterestedly, "Any last wishes?"

Butch's face hardened. His mind immediately drifted towards something. He stood up, dusted his pants, wiped the sweat off his brow and said, "I want five minutes alone with my DIARY and a watch."

The guard suddenly froze. The wretched DIARY. The very thought of it made his stomach clench and sent a sudden shiver down his spine.

"I don't think I can do that. I can give you the watch and five minutes though."

"Whatever happened to kind gestures to a dying man?"

"Ask for something else."

"Nothing but my DIARY!!"

"I can't."

"You shouldn't have asked then!!!", Butch thundered back, his hands clenching the metal bars separating them. His eyes were bloodshot and his voice commanding. The guard was taken aback at the vulgar display of temper.

"Hey, alright...alright...relax...I'll see what I can do." The guard quickly turned around, leaving the prisoner alone once again. A faint smile returned to Butch's lips, probably for the first time since the dream he had the night before. He sat himself down, closed his eyes and waited.

About fifteen minutes later, the guard returned with a heavy book and a digital clock. He passed it through the bars. "Here you are my friend. It's 8.46 AM now. Five minutes then?"

"Alone", said Butch, this time calmly.

"Of course", said the guard, already turning away.

Butch sat down. He gently placed his diary on his lap. He ran his fingers over the cover. Legend was rife that Butch's diary was covered with human skin. The thought amused him. Only he knew that wasn't completely true.

He flipped the book open. It had initials. Each initial had a serial number as a prefix and a date for a suffix.

His eyes scanned through all the entries. It took him barely over a minute to reach the last entry.

'Sr.no. 99 - T.S. - 13th December 2010'

Tracy Scholes, he remembered vividly. He smiled as he recollected the look on her face as she lay dying.

The next entry...

'Sr.no.100 - blank'

He closed the book and his eyes, almost in perfect harmony. He couldn't let this happen. He couldn't remain stranded on 99. There was only one way Butch Arnolds was gonna go down in history.

He opened his eyes again. He turned the book on its side and used his nails to scoop out the hidden cabinet it concealed. He opened it and yanked out a device with a pen at one end and a small knife at the other.

Carefully, he made the 100th entry in his diary.

'Sr.no.100 - B.A. - 23rd June 2012'

He looked at the watch. It was 8:49 AM. The guard would be back in two minutes. In two minutes he'd be walking towards the end of his journey. But he wouldn't be going with regrets. He was glad he'd found a way to accomplish his mission on earth. He'd go with a smile. Just two minutes, and he'll be done. He sat down in a corner of the cell, with his back to the cell's door. He then picked up the weapon and held it under his chin.

Just then, the guard came back. "Butch Arnolds, five minutes up?"

Butch yelled out without turning back, "You promised me five minutes! I have two minutes left!"

"Oh no you don't", said the guard, still struggling with his keys. "I'm sorry, but you're scheduled to hang at 8.55 AM. I'll have to get you going right away."

The prisoner didn't move. "Very well Mister Ashley. Let's go."

"It's Astley...Brad Astley.", he said with a wry smile, completely oblivious to what was about to transpire in the next few moments.

TWO MINUTES...to be precise.

The fellow Blog-a-Tonics who took part in this Blog-a-Ton and links to their respective posts can be checked here. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton.

 

SATURDAY NIGHT

This episode will have certain references to Episode 18 - Daily Report

Anshuman lay down in bed after having his dinner. The day had progressed quite well, except for a few low points here and there.

After having clocked in his eight hours at work at the bank, he was back home by 6 pm, all thanks to the deserted roads. After a quick bath and his evening 'chai-biskoot', he called up his friends from the colony - Rajesh, Ankur, Peter and Ajay (or Raju, Anky, Pedro and Ajju, respectively) for a get-together on the terrace. This used to be something they religiously did at Anshuman's house every other Saturday evening, before the lockdown. Although behind closed doors, Anshuman's get-togethers were notorious for having it all - the cacophony of loud EDM music playing in the background, booze flowing like a river and the smoky haze of a dozen packs of cigarettes. On special occasions there would even be a few joints doing the rounds.

Since tonight was one of those Saturday Nights, Anshuman was in the mood to let his hair down. He had assigned roles for everyone - Raju would be fetching the smokes and ashtray, Anky would get the glasses and a few bottles of soda, Pedro would fetch the beer bottles and Ajju would bring along his portable MP3 player and a bottle of Scotch whiskey from his private bar. Anshuman, as always, would arrange for the venue, an ice box, deep fried papad and paper napkins. Only the resourceful knew how and where to get what they needed - and this was certainly a resourceful gang.

Now that he had already laid down rules for the use of the building terrace, he was fairly certain that it would be cleared out by 7 pm. Yet, just to make sure the coast was absolutely clear, he asked his friends to gather only at 7:30 pm.

Meanwhile, he had to make sure the terrace was clean in all respects - there was to be no clutter, no garbage and absolutely no humans.

So he picked up his phone and called up his Man Friday. The call was received after the very first ring.

"Hello?"

"Jee Saheb! Good Evening!"

"Good evening Madhav. Any updates?"

"No Saheb! All's Well Saheb!"

"Where are you? On the terrace?"

"Uhh...Yes Saheb..." Madhav gulped, "How did you....how did you know Saheb?" He looked around to check if he was being watched.

"Because I had asked you to make sure the terrace was cleared off every evening at 7?"

"Oh yes Saheb...that's exactly what I was doing."

"So it's clear, right?" Anshuman began changing into a fresh T-shirt.

"NO...NO Saheb!" Madhav panicked, "Another ten minutes please? We're still cleaning."

"We?" Anshuman's tone changed, "Who's with you?"

"Uhh....Uhh...cleaners Saheb...I brought a couple of cleaners along."

"Cleaners?" Anshuman was annoyed, "Who asked you to hire cleaners? Whom did you speak with about this?"

"No Saheb...I just thought I'd get some helping hands. Don't worry Saheb, you won't have to pay a dime."

"Hell I will!" Anshuman smirked, "You hired them...you pay if you have to."

"Yes Saheb."

"Ten minutes only, okay? I want the place absolutely clean!"

"Sure thing Saheb!"

Anshuman hung up. He was really looking forward to a great evening. Of course, this was not going to be better than being in bed with someone, but it certainly came a close second. After all, as Anshuman and his friends always swore unconvincingly - "Bros over hoes...always!"

At exactly 7:20 pm, Anshuman reached the door of the terrace, only to find Gardener Madhav and a couple of men rushing out with huge bags. As soon as their eyes met, there was awkward silence.

"Good evening Saheb", Madhav broke the silence, "Home early tonight?"

"Yeah...you have a problem with that?"

"No no Saheb", Madhav laughed, "Why would I have a problem with..."

"Has everything been cleared?" Anshuman cut him off.

"Yes Saheb....come and see for yourself."

"What's in those bags?" Anshuman pointed out to the bags in Madhav's friends' hands.

"Just garbage Saheb."

"Hmm...off you go now...good night!"

"Good night Saheb."

"Keys?"

"Huh?" Madhav was confused.

"Terrace keys!" Anshuman barked, "Are you drunk?"

"Drunk? No Saheb! Me? Drunk?" Madhav started smiling sheepishly as he dropped the keys in Anshuman's hand.

Anshuman pocketed the keys and steeped out onto the terrace. Everything was exactly the way he wanted it - there was no garbage, there were no people and there was a small rectangular wooden coffee table in a corner, with six plastic chairs around it.

To Anshuman's surprise, there were two sealed bottles of soda under the coffee table. Someone must have left them there.

"Madhav! Are you still there?" Anshuman shouted and waited for a response. There was none.

"Perfect!" he declared as he waited for his friends to trickle in one by one.

*Chai-biskoot - A Indian term referring to evening 'chai tea' with biscuits.
*Saheb - A term used by some people in India to refer to people in a position of authority, like the English 'Sir'.
*Papad - A fairly large poppadom 

Idiosyncrasies of a Covidiot

All episodes so far 

Episode 01 - Aaho-Choo Story

Episode 02 - Bus-Ted 

Episode 03 - Bohemian Clapsody 

Episode 04 - Departmental Chor 

Episode 05 - Exceptionally Coarse 

Episode 06 - Fruits & Nuts 

Episode 07 - Gross Spread

Episode 08 - Helping Hands

Episode 09 - I Want to Break Free

Episode 10 - Jamboree

Episode 11 - Keep Safe Distance

Episode 12 - Let There Be Light

Episode 13 - Musical Masti

Episode 14 - Night Riders

Episode 15 - Order Order

Episode 16 - Papa the Great

Episode 17 - Quarantine

Episode 18 - Daily Report

QUARANTINE

This episode is in continuation of Episode 13 - Musical Masti and Episode 14 - Night Riders

It was about 10 pm on a sultry Saturday night; Anshuman had just finished his dinner. He picked up his phone and visited a few Instagram pages, including Lata's. He spent more than an hour catching glimpses of some scintillating images and ogled at them to his heart's content. He thanked his luck that he was living in the 21st century.

When he was convinced that nothing else was gonna excite him any more, he dialed Kavita's number. She didn't take the call until the fifth ring.

"Hi beautiful", he said in a tone that sounded cringy.

"Hi Anshu...how was your day?"

"You know...the usual...get back home from the bank...spend some time on calls discussing matters regarding the housing society...daily chores..."

"And Instagram...", she chuckled.

"You're wicked, that's what you are", he laughed, "Did you know that 10 people tested positive for COVID 19 in our area today?"

"Ten people? That's insane."

"Yeah...so far there have been about 28 cases in our area."

"Oh God", Kavita made her concern quite apparent, "Please be safe Jaanu."

"You stay safe too sweetheart", Anshuman's tone sounded grave, "Apparently there was some guy who was picked up by the police from outside your building gate a few nights ago."

"Outside my building gate? When was this?"

"The night I wanted to come over to meet you. There was some guy in a car right outside your gate."

"Uh Huh? What about him?"

"Well, the police took him for testing simply based on suspicion. Unfortunately, he turned out positive for..."

Before Anshuman could complete his sentence, he heard Kavita take a deep breath. The very next moment, she disconnected the call.

At the other side of the conversation, Kavita began sweating and felt her head spin.

A dreadful apprehension clouded her thoughts - "Was that Manoj who had tested positive? Does that mean I am infected too?"

A few miles away, Manoj was getting treatment in a hospital ward. There were questions is his mind,,,questions he had no answers for.

He and Kavita had met - more than just met - three or four times over the past two weeks. So, was it she who had infected him?

It seemed life was soon about to change for at least three people in the near future.

Idiosyncrasies of a Covidiot

All episodes so far 

Episode 01 - Aaho-Choo Story

Episode 02 - Bus-Ted 

Episode 03 - Bohemian Clapsody 

Episode 04 - Departmental Chor 

Episode 05 - Exceptionally Coarse 

Episode 06 - Fruits & Nuts 

Episode 07 - Gross Spread

Episode 08 - Helping Hands

Episode 09 - I Want to Break Free

Episode 10 - Jamboree

Episode 11 - Keep Safe Distance

Episode 12 - Let There Be Light

Episode 13 - Musical Masti

Episode 14 - Night Riders

Episode 15 - Order Order

Episode 16 - Papa the Great

Episode 17 - Quarantine

PAPA THE GREAT

z

Saturday, 18th April 2020, around 10:30 am

Anshuman looked at the workaholic seated to his left. As always, Gulshan's eyes were glued to his laptop monitor. It was almost as if he was expecting a gargoyle to jump out of the screen and pounce on him if he ever blinked. His fingers danced on the keyboard like an overenthusiastic Varun Dhawan in ABCD.

Anshuman was bemused, "Wasn't today supposed to be a holiday?"

"It's the third Saturday of the month", Gulshan admonished him, "Are you sure you've been a banker for nearly five years?"

"Where's your sense of humour?"

"Where's YOUR sense of duty?"

"Gullu...Ullu", Anshuman chided Gulshan; but he seemed to have switched off from the conversation already.

Just then, Anshuman's mobile phone rang. Neha Kakkar's "Garmi" as a ringtone would have made anyone else go red in the face in embarrassment - but Anshuman was made of a different timber.

The number seemed a tad familiar, "Hello?"

"How're you Nalaayak?" The voice sounded familiar too.

"Govind Kaka?" Anshuman asked in an irritated tone.

"It's your father, Nalaayak! You don't recognize your own father's voice?"

"I was joking Papa", Anshuman bit his tongue, "How are you?"

"Nevermind the formalities...what are these things that have I been hearing about you?"

"About me? Please don't believe her! She's lying!"

"Who's lying? What are you talking about Nalaayak?"

"No nothing, Papa! I was talking to my colleague", Anshuman bit his tongue again.

"No nothing, Papa! I was talking to my colleague", Anshuman bit his tongue again. "What did you hear about me Papa?"

"One of the elders of your neighbourhood told me you set off some fireworks inside your house on 5th April...Is this true?"

"But it was supposed to be a light show Papa."

"I get that...but why didn't you share this idea with me earlier?"

Idiosyncrasies of a Covidiot

All episodes so far 

Episode 01 - Aaho-Choo Story

Episode 02 - Bus-Ted 

Episode 03 - Bohemian Clapsody 

Episode 04 - Departmental Chor 

Episode 05 - Exceptionally Coarse 

Episode 06 - Fruits & Nuts 

Episode 07 - Gross Spread

Episode 08 - Helping Hands

Episode 09 - I Want to Break Free

Episode 10 - Jamboree

Episode 11 - Keep Safe Distance

Episode 12 - Let There Be Light

Episode 13 - Musical Masti

Episode 14 - Night Riders

Episode 15 - Order Order

Episode 16 - Papa the Great

Episode 17 - Quarantine

ORDER ORDER

It was 10:30 am on a Saturday morning. Thankfully, this was the second Saturday of the month, which meant it was officially a holiday for bank employees. But since Anshuman also owned a pharmacy - it was being operated by his cousin Dinesh - he sometimes spent a few hours of his weekends helping his cousin. It wasn't just about being a helpful relative - a good businessman always kept a close watch on his investments. Yes, Dinesh did have a share in the profits, but this was Anshuman's business at the end of the day.

Business had been pretty okay since the lockdown. After all, healthcare, essentials and education will never go out of business, and Anshuman's pharmacy dealt with two of these - the pharmacy doubled up as a provision store for a few FMCG items like milk, bread, food grains, etc. as well to cater to the middle class neighborhood. Truth be told, business was pretty good, even at these times - after all, it was pretty easy to make a profit in times of crisis.

"Aye Chotu...do we have enough bread?" he asked one of the helpers. He didn't know the teen's real name. In fact, he didn't know he other helper's name either - he simply called him Lambu.

"Yes Sahab, we have 20 packets."

"Milk?"

"10 litres."

"Sugar?"

The phone rang. It was a landline device with the punch-able number pads. Before Dinesh could warn him not to take the call, Anshuman picked it up on the very first ring.

"Hello?"

"Hello, Dinesh?"

"Nahi...Anshuman here."

"Oh Anshuman...how are you? Philomena from Dominic Villa."

"Oh hello Aunty" Anshuman responded, brushing off Dinesh's attempts to catch his attention, "How can I help you today?"

"Sonna...I need two packets of bread and 2 litres of milk."

"Yes Aunty, we have enough stock. You can come over and pick them up."

"Sonna...can you please get them delivered to my house?"

Dinesh slapped his forehead, but Anshuman didn't flinch.

"Aunty, we have only two helpers here...if you want items to be delivered, there will be a delivery charge."

"How much?"

"Forty Rupees."

There was silence for a few seconds, "Okay Sonna."

"And Aunty, the items can be delivered only till your building gate...we will give it to your security guard."

There was silence again, "Okay."

"And Aunty, you understand we're trying to be as safe as possible, so can you transfer the amount electronically...by Google Pay maybe?"

"Of course, of course! How much do I need to pay? I'll do it right away."

"Ninety for the milk, sixty for the bread, and forty delivery charges. One hundred and ninety."

Philomena took less than a minute, "Done."

"Thank you Aunty. You can expect your items to reach you in the next 10 minutes...or maybe earlier."

Anshuman dropped the receiver. He looked towards the helper, "Chotu, pack two litres of milk and two bread packets."

After the teen did as he was bid, Anshuman picked up the parcel and stepped outside the pharmacy. There he saw a young urchin, not more than 10 years of age, loitering in the area.

"Hey young man", he called out to the boy, "wanna earn ten rupees?"

Idiosyncrasies of a Covidiot

All episodes so far 

Episode 01 - Aaho-Choo Story

Episode 02 - Bus-Ted 

Episode 03 - Bohemian Clapsody 

Episode 04 - Departmental Chor 

Episode 05 - Exceptionally Coarse 

Episode 06 - Fruits & Nuts 

Episode 07 - Gross Spread

Episode 08 - Helping Hands

Episode 09 - I Want to Break Free

Episode 10 - Jamboree

Episode 11 - Keep Safe Distance

Episode 12 - Let There Be Light

Episode 13 - Musical Masti

Episode 14 - Night Riders

Episode 15 - Order Order

Episode 16 - Papa the Great

NIGHT RIDERS

This episode is in continuation of Episode 13 - Musical Masti 

Manoj fiddled with his phone; anyone could make out that he was a bag of nerves at this point in time. And to think that only a little over an hour ago, he could possibly have had the night of his life!

He dialed Kavita's number for the umpteenth time; but she rejected his call yet again.

"Pick up dammit!" He dialed her again. She rejected the call once more.

He then sent her a DM. "I'm at the hospital. Please call me ASAP."

Thankfully, his phone rang in less than a minute.

"You're at the hospital?" Kavita sounded frantic.

"Yes, sweets."

"I was so upset...I actually thought you'd stood me up", she complained, "I waited for almost an hour! What's the time now? Three?"

"Not my fault sweets."

"What's wrong?" she finally remembered she had to be more considerate, "Are you okay? What are you doing at the hospital?"

"I'm waiting to be tested", he buried his eyes in his hand.

"Tested? For what?"

"For the coronavirus..."

"What the fuck Manoj? You could've landed me in trouble too..."

"Lemme finish Kavi! I think someone set me up!"

"Someone set you up? What do you mean?"

"Well...I was in my car...and there was no one to stop me throughout the 6 km journey. But as soon as I entered your lane, there was a car waiting."

"A car?"

"Yeah...just a few metres outside your gate. It was on its way out of the lane."

"And?"

"Well, when the guy driving the car saw my car approaching, he honked a couple of times. As soon as I stopped my car next to his, he rolled down the window and asked me the way to the nearest police station. After I gave him directions, he thanked me. But just before he rolled the window all the way back up, he blew some weird kinda powder into my face and sped away."

"Oh my God. What powder was it?" Kavita was genuinely worried now.

"I have no freaking clue. But it left me sneezing for a good 10 minutes. I thought I was gonna die sneezing!"

"Oh God, then what happened?"

"Then a police patrol van appeared out of nowhere and the cops asked me what I was doing outside during the lockdown. My constant sneezing got them suspicious, and here I am now at the hospital, waiting to get tested."

"Are they gonna quarantine you?"

"My gut feeling says they will! I should've worn a mask...that would have saved me all the..."

Kavita hung up without waiting for him to finish.

A few miles away, Anshuman kept his grandmother's snuff bottle back in the cabinet drawer and finally jumped into bed for a good night's sleep.

Idiosyncrasies of a Covidiot

All episodes so far 

Episode 01 - Aaho-Choo Story

Episode 02 - Bus-Ted 

Episode 03 - Bohemian Clapsody 

Episode 04 - Departmental Chor 

Episode 05 - Exceptionally Coarse 

Episode 06 - Fruits & Nuts 

Episode 07 - Gross Spread

Episode 08 - Helping Hands

Episode 09 - I Want to Break Free

Episode 10 - Jamboree

Episode 11 - Keep Safe Distance

Episode 12 - Let There Be Light

Episode 13 - Musical Masti

Episode 14 - Night Riders

Episode 15 - Order Order

MUSICAL MASTI

It was already way past 1:00 am, but Anshuman couldn't get himself to sleep. He was still thinking about the other night when Kavita had left him high and dry.

He was also thinking about the kind of attention she was getting on social media. Insecurities about Pratik, Manoj and many others in her social circle festered like an abscess that had been ignored for too long. He simply had to make sure Kavita was not slipping away.

He quickly logged into his Instagram account and began typing out a DM to Kavita.

Every Night On Insta

I See You, I Feel You

Then I Get A Boner, So Strong

I Have Checked Your Stories

And Sent You Some DMs

But You Keep Me Waiting Too Long

Near...Far...Wherever We Are

It's Insane That The Lockdown's So Long

Fear Not, I'm Not Being A Twat

You Are Here In My Thoughts

And My Dreams Will Go On And On

Your Eyes Are So Alluring

Your Curves, So Enthralling

Lips Are So Beguiling, Oh Lord!

Hair Is Long And Silky

Your Skin, White And Milky

My Fantasies Are Kinky, Oh Lord!

Near? Far? Let's Meet In My Car

Why The Hell Is The Lockdown So Long?

Fear Not, I Won't Be A Twat

You Are Here In My Thoughts

And My Dreams Will Go On And On

Call Me Wherever You Are

I Don't Care If The Lockdown's Still On

Screw Fate, I Just Cannot Wait

We'll Be Safe In My Car

And The Night Can Go On And On

Kavita took more than five minutes to respond. "Babe...it's way past 1 in the night. Why the hell are you still awake?"

"I want you baby. Let's meet...right now!"

"Are you crazy? It's so late!"

"Please baby!"

"Relax baby...we'll meet tomorrow. Okay?"

"Really?"

"Yes baby! Now go to sleep!"

"Did you like it?"

"Like what?"

"The song I wrote?"

"Oh...that? It's cute."

"Aww...thank you dear."

"G'nite my love...Mmmwaah."

"G'nite Sweety."

Kavita smiled to herself. That was such a cute gesture. Yes, it was cringe-worthy and not very creative, but it was cute. She copied the entire write-up and pasted it on another DM window.

"What is this?" The response was quick and came across as bemused.

"Anshuman wrote me a song. Cute na?"

"This isn't a love song....this is a spoof song. Celine Dion will turn in her grave long after she's dead."

"Haha...I know, Manoj. But guess what...he wanted to bring his car below my place so that we could meet. And maybe even have some action."

"Hey...I have a car too!"

"So...you coming?"

"Be there in 10 minutes!"

Idiosyncrasies of a Covidiot

All episodes so far 

Episode 01 - Aaho-Choo Story

Episode 02 - Bus-Ted 

Episode 03 - Bohemian Clapsody 

Episode 04 - Departmental Chor 

Episode 05 - Exceptionally Coarse 

Episode 06 - Fruits & Nuts 

Episode 07 - Gross Spread

Episode 08 - Helping Hands

Episode 09 - I Want to Break Free

Episode 10 - Jamboree

Episode 11 - Keep Safe Distance

Episode 12 - Let There Be Light

Episode 13 - Musical Masti

Episode 14 - Night Riders

Episode 15 - Order Order

LET THERE BE LIGHT

To,

The Managing Committee,

Bright Minds Co-op Housing Society,

Gyani Nagar,

Mumbai.

Date: 6th April, 2020.

Subject: Public nuisance caused by a resident on 5th April, 2020. 

Respected Members of the Managing Committee,

A few days ago, the Honourable Prime Minister made a clarion call urging all countrymen to participate in a symbolic show of our country's resilience against the Covid-19 pandemic. As you are all aware, he asked us to switch off all lights at 9 pm on Sunday, 5th April 2020 for 9 minutes and to light a candle. This was supposed to be a gesture symbolizing the dispelling of the darkness caused by the pandemic.

Alas, one of the members of our housing society saw this as an opportunity for extravaganza. The aforementioned member, unfortunately, also happens to be a part of the Managing Committee.

At exactly 9 pm on Sunday, 5th April 2020, Secretary Anshuman Kumar joined all other residents in switching off the lights. However, he broke the ensuing silence soon after by lighting firecrackers. What's more, he lit the firecrackers from within the confines of his house. On inquiry, he reminded that the PM had warned citizens not to get out of their houses.

By his actions, he has not only indulged in a potentially hazardous act and disturbed the peace in the locality; he has also brazenly turned what was supposed to be a show of solidarity into a cocky light and sound show. As a banker, he probably thought adding an element of sound to the light aspect would be akin to 'compound interest'.

I urge the Managing Committee to get the said Member to mend his ways, or to find a more worthy and responsible replacement for the post of Secretary.

Yours Sincerely,

M. V. Raghav

Hope all of you are safe and doing well. Here's an AC/DC song to lift your spirits and energy levels:-

Idiosyncrasies of a Covidiot

All episodes so far 

Episode 01 - Aaho-Choo Story

Episode 02 - Bus-Ted 

Episode 03 - Bohemian Clapsody 

Episode 04 - Departmental Chor 

Episode 05 - Exceptionally Coarse 

Episode 06 - Fruits & Nuts 

Episode 07 - Gross Spread

Episode 08 - Helping Hands

Episode 09 - I Want to Break Free

Episode 10 - Jamboree

Episode 11 - Keep Safe Distance

Episode 12 - Let There Be Light

Episode 13 - Musical Masti

Episode 14 - Night Riders

KEEP SAFE DISTANCE

"I'm glad you finally came", Anshuman threw his arms out, but quickly retracted.

"You could've come too", she complained, "Why did it have to be me?"

"The security guys in your colony are too strict to let outsiders in."

"As they should be...they're doing their job."

"On the other hand, it's easy for me to get you to sneak in here...I have special privileges", he beamed with pride.

"Actually, there was nobody at the gate to stop me", she giggled like a teenager.

"Don't lie Kavita."

"I'm not lying", she tilted her head and purred, "I never lie na Babbu!"

"Come here you little Persian cat."

"Uh-Uh-Uh", she raised her index finger and swung it to signal her disapproval, "Keep safe distance. Corona, Corona....Karo Naa!" To a random stranger, Kavita's crooning would've sounded slightly out-of-tune...a tad annoying even. But Anshuman found it seductive.

"I wanna play a game!"

"Have you been watching the Saw series again? I find your taste for gore disgusting!"

"Not that kinda game you silly girl", Anshuman rolled his eyes and threw out his arms again.

"Uh-Uh-Uh", she raised her index finger again, "Keep safe distance. Corona, Corona....Karo Naa!"

Anshuman slapped his forehead. "Let's play truth or dare."

"Oh nice! Do you have a bottle?"

"To spin? It's just the two of us silly!"

"Oh yeah" she giggled again, "So we take turns?"

"Yup...ladies first."

"Okay...Truth or Dare?"

Anshuman rolled his eyes again, "Truth."

"Mmm...do you have a crush on your boss?"

"No!"

"Liar! I always find her Insta page open on your phone."

"Well...I'll just say I find her very attractive", he gulped, "And she sure knows how to pose. But that's all!"

"Remember last month when I caught you with one hand holding the phone and the other in your pants? You were looking at her Insta page even then."

"It was just a sudden urge na baby...I said sorry...I've never visited her Insta since. You can check my phone if you want to."

"Sure...gimme your phone."

"OK, it's your turn now", Anshuman diverted her mind with good old 'sense of urgency', "Truth or Dare?"

"Truth."

"Mmm...does Manoj still DM you?"

"Manoj? How did you know about Manoj? Did I tell you about Manoj or Pratik?"

"Pratik DMs you??"

"Oh yeah, almost thrice a day...since three months."

"Why, that scoundrel. I'll break his teeth. Do you reply?"

"Of course."

"Why?"

"Relax! I don't give him any wrong ideas. I speak matter-of-factly. Just last night we were discussing Covid dos and donts. It was so insightful...the discussion went on till 3 am."

"3 am??? That's not acceptable! You should..."

"Wait! You don't trust me?"

"I do baby!"

"Let's proceed then. Let's reverse the order now."

"Okay" Anshuman was still licking his wounds, "Truth or Dare?"

"Dare", she said with her nose high in the air.

"Okay...kiss me!"

In the security bay, Security Guard Gopinath heard a spine-chilling scream from the Secretary's apartment on the first floor. Before he could pull himself up from his seat, he saw Secretary Sahab's girlfriend run out of the building and disappear into the distance.

"Strange", Gopinath mumbled to himself, "I guess that means I don't have to go to get Sahab's condom today."

Idiosyncrasies of a Covidiot

All episodes so far 

Episode 01 - Aaho-Choo Story

Episode 02 - Bus-Ted 

Episode 03 - Bohemian Clapsody 

Episode 04 - Departmental Chor 

Episode 05 - Exceptionally Coarse 

Episode 06 - Fruits & Nuts 

Episode 07 - Gross Spread

Episode 08 - Helping Hands

Episode 09 - I Want to Break Free

Episode 10 - Jamboree

Episode 11 - Keep Safe Distance

Episode 12 - Let There Be Light

Episode 13 - Musical Masti

Episode 14 - Night Riders

JAMBOREE

Security Guard Gopinath was in a poignant mood. He sat on a chair in the colony garden and stared into the distance. When he couldn't take the anxiety anymore, he pulled out a beedi from his shirt pocket. He fumbled a few times trying to put the beedi in his mouth; only a few attempts later did he realize his folly and lower his mask. He saw Gardener Madhav sitting a few feet away fumbling with his own beedi. 

"Lower your mask" Gopinath hollered.

"Aah...yes! Thank you!" Madhav's gratitude was genuine and heartfelt.

"I am very upset Bhai", Gopinath thumped his heart thrice to add gravitas.

"Of course you are...so am I."

"How can people be so bad?"

"They're jealous, that's what they are!" Madhav spat on the ground. Gopinath could not determine whether he was expressing disgust or was bound by habit.

"Look, honestly speaking I don't like Secretary Sahab one bit. But he was doing something very noble."

"Agreed! I mean how many people have actually thought of something as innovative as this to raise funds and spread awareness?"

"What wrong was he doing? He was only preparing to organise a carnival with food and game stalls to raise funds to raise awareness about coronavirus. All residents are anyway all sitting at home doing nothing. What's wrong about inviting them to do something noble while having fun? He had even thought of a name for the carnival - Jamboree."

"I hear there was also a session on social distancing and a workshop on homemade sanitizers planned. All down the drain, just because a few members filed a complaint."

"Some of our members I tell you!"

"Tell me something", Madhav spat again, "What does Jamboree mean?"

Idiosyncrasies of a Covidiot

All episodes so far 

Episode 01 - Aaho-Choo Story

Episode 02 - Bus-Ted 

Episode 03 - Bohemian Clapsody 

Episode 04 - Departmental Chor 

Episode 05 - Exceptionally Coarse 

Episode 06 - Fruits & Nuts 

Episode 07 - Gross Spread

Episode 08 - Helping Hands

Episode 09 - I Want to Break Free

Episode 10 - Jamboree

Episode 11 - Keep Safe Distance

Episode 12 - Let There Be Light

Episode 13 - Musical Masti

Episode 14 - Night Riders