DIARY OF A FAT MAN - CONDITION SERIOUS HAI

2nd January 2014

Dear Diary,

On New Year's Eve, I committed the mistake of suggesting the idea of New Year's Resolutions to Wifey dear. To top it off, I told her my resolution was to lose at least 10 kgs. I thought she'd like the joke, but forgot that it's the Patni who decides what's a joke and what's not. Since morning, she's been keeping a strict tab on my input food intake. In the beginning, it felt cute, but now it feels like my every move is being watched. I'm afraid...very very afraid. Whoever thought she'd get so serious about my joke? Condition serious hai Bhidu!

9th January 2014

Dear Diary,

It was my birthday today. Wifey got together with my parents and planned a surprise birthday party for me. They got me a beautiful cake with lotsa chocolate and cream. There couldn't have been a more cruel gesture. Thanks to my wife's diet regimen (for me, of course), I only got to cut my cake. The eating domain was reserved only for the family. Dinner was mutton dum biryani for them and sprouts salad for me. I don't even know how to pronounce salad properly. I have a strong sense that Wifey has taken Mom aboard on her no-good mission. I ain't liking this at all. Bada serious maamla hai!

19th January 2014

Dear Diary,

Wifey has bought a brand new measuring tape, the one that carpenters use. The previous one was shorter than my belt she says - not that I cared. She also told me that she wants to buy an electronic weighing scale, after the old analog one showed that I'd managed to restrict my weight to 120 kgs. Wifey said something about the analog scale's maximum capacity being 120 kgs, but I don't understand what that means. Things are getting worse day by day for me. This weight-loss programme is turning out to be a huge burden on my finances - so what if we saved costs on 2 litres of oil and 5 kg of aata this month?

27th January 2014

Dear Diary,

I hate green tea! I hate green tea! I hate green tea! I HATE GREEN TEA!!!!!

5th February 2014

Dear Diary,

Wifey dear bought me a nice and cosy exercise mat. Pink was not the colour I was looking for, but I guess I'll ignore the shade for the comfort it gives. I reckon lying on the floor with my bag of buttered popcorn watching football would be much more fun with this mat. By the way, Wifey thinks I'm using it to do ab-crunches, and is dreaming of a six-pack by the end of this month. In my opinion, a sleeker family-pack would be more like it. Time for my evening snack. Catch you later!

18th February 2014

Dear Diary,

I've forgotten what chicken tastes like. I miss ice-cream. Has Pepsi come out with a new flavour in the past month? I want chocolate! Lemme go grab my evening snack!

23rd February 2014

Dear Diary,

Wifey's electronic weighing scale says I'm 118 kgs now. After all the hard work, this is what I get? Just 2 kgs lost? This is insane. The b#@*h is lying I tell you, stupid no-good machine! I could bet I saw WIFEY sob inconsolably as she picked up the phone and dialled my Mom's number. I really don't know where I've gone wrong. I think resolutions and me don't get along too well, huh? Condition bada SERIOUS hai, I tell you. Anyway, time for my evening snack. Does wifey know? Nah! It's our lil secret. Cadbury 5 Star is awesome, Jo Khaaye Kho Jaye!

Five per day is okay, right?

This post is written for Indiblogge'sr Cadbury Five Star contest - #Condition Serious Hai.

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