Anshuman lay down in bed after having his dinner. The day had progressed quite well, except for a few low points here and there.
After having clocked in his eight hours at work at the bank, he was back home by 6 pm, all thanks to the deserted roads. After a quick bath and his evening 'chai-biskoot', he called up his friends from the colony - Rajesh, Ankur, Peter and Ajay (or Raju, Anky, Pedro and Ajju, respectively) for a get-together on the terrace. This used to be something they religiously did at Anshuman's house every other Saturday evening, before the lockdown. Although behind closed doors, Anshuman's get-togethers were notorious for having it all - the cacophony of loud EDM music playing in the background, booze flowing like a river and the smoky haze of a dozen packs of cigarettes. On special occasions there would even be a few joints doing the rounds.
Since tonight was one of those Saturday Nights, Anshuman was in the mood to let his hair down. He had assigned roles for everyone - Raju would be fetching the smokes and ashtray, Anky would get the glasses and a few bottles of soda, Pedro would fetch the beer bottles and Ajju would bring along his portable MP3 player and a bottle of Scotch whiskey from his private bar. Anshuman, as always, would arrange for the venue, an ice box, deep fried papad and paper napkins. Only the resourceful knew how and where to get what they needed - and this was certainly a resourceful gang.
Now that he had already laid down rules for the use of the building terrace, he was fairly certain that it would be cleared out by 7 pm. Yet, just to make sure the coast was absolutely clear, he asked his friends to gather only at 7:30 pm.
Meanwhile, he had to make sure the terrace was clean in all respects - there was to be no clutter, no garbage and absolutely no humans.
So he picked up his phone and called up his Man Friday. The call was received after the very first ring.
"Hello?"
"Jee Saheb! Good Evening!"
"Good evening Madhav. Any updates?"
"No Saheb! All's Well Saheb!"
"Where are you? On the terrace?"
"Uhh...Yes Saheb..." Madhav gulped, "How did you....how did you know Saheb?" He looked around to check if he was being watched.
"Because I had asked you to make sure the terrace was cleared off every evening at 7?"
"Oh yes Saheb...that's exactly what I was doing."
"So it's clear, right?" Anshuman began changing into a fresh T-shirt.
"NO...NO Saheb!" Madhav panicked, "Another ten minutes please? We're still cleaning."
"We?" Anshuman's tone changed, "Who's with you?"
"Uhh....Uhh...cleaners Saheb...I brought a couple of cleaners along."
"Cleaners?" Anshuman was annoyed, "Who asked you to hire cleaners? Whom did you speak with about this?"
"No Saheb...I just thought I'd get some helping hands. Don't worry Saheb, you won't have to pay a dime."
"Hell I will!" Anshuman smirked, "You hired them...you pay if you have to."
"Yes Saheb."
"Ten minutes only, okay? I want the place absolutely clean!"
"Sure thing Saheb!"
Anshuman hung up. He was really looking forward to a great evening. Of course, this was not going to be better than being in bed with someone, but it certainly came a close second. After all, as Anshuman and his friends always swore unconvincingly - "Bros over hoes...always!"
At exactly 7:20 pm, Anshuman reached the door of the terrace, only to find Gardener Madhav and a couple of men rushing out with huge bags. As soon as their eyes met, there was awkward silence.
"Good evening Saheb", Madhav broke the silence, "Home early tonight?"
"Yeah...you have a problem with that?"
"No no Saheb", Madhav laughed, "Why would I have a problem with..."
"Has everything been cleared?" Anshuman cut him off.
"Yes Saheb....come and see for yourself."
"What's in those bags?" Anshuman pointed out to the bags in Madhav's friends' hands.
"Just garbage Saheb."
"Hmm...off you go now...good night!"
"Good night Saheb."
"Keys?"
"Huh?" Madhav was confused.
"Terrace keys!" Anshuman barked, "Are you drunk?"
"Drunk? No Saheb! Me? Drunk?" Madhav started smiling sheepishly as he dropped the keys in Anshuman's hand.
Anshuman pocketed the keys and steeped out onto the terrace. Everything was exactly the way he wanted it - there was no garbage, there were no people and there was a small rectangular wooden coffee table in a corner, with six plastic chairs around it.
To Anshuman's surprise, there were two sealed bottles of soda under the coffee table. Someone must have left them there.
"Madhav! Are you still there?" Anshuman shouted and waited for a response. There was none.
"Perfect!" he declared as he waited for his friends to trickle in one by one.
*Chai-biskoot - A Indian term referring to evening 'chai tea' with biscuits.
*Saheb - A term used by some people in India to refer to people in a position of authority, like the English 'Sir'.
*Papad - A fairly large poppadom
After having clocked in his eight hours at work at the bank, he was back home by 6 pm, all thanks to the deserted roads. After a quick bath and his evening 'chai-biskoot', he called up his friends from the colony - Rajesh, Ankur, Peter and Ajay (or Raju, Anky, Pedro and Ajju, respectively) for a get-together on the terrace. This used to be something they religiously did at Anshuman's house every other Saturday evening, before the lockdown. Although behind closed doors, Anshuman's get-togethers were notorious for having it all - the cacophony of loud EDM music playing in the background, booze flowing like a river and the smoky haze of a dozen packs of cigarettes. On special occasions there would even be a few joints doing the rounds.
Since tonight was one of those Saturday Nights, Anshuman was in the mood to let his hair down. He had assigned roles for everyone - Raju would be fetching the smokes and ashtray, Anky would get the glasses and a few bottles of soda, Pedro would fetch the beer bottles and Ajju would bring along his portable MP3 player and a bottle of Scotch whiskey from his private bar. Anshuman, as always, would arrange for the venue, an ice box, deep fried papad and paper napkins. Only the resourceful knew how and where to get what they needed - and this was certainly a resourceful gang.
Now that he had already laid down rules for the use of the building terrace, he was fairly certain that it would be cleared out by 7 pm. Yet, just to make sure the coast was absolutely clear, he asked his friends to gather only at 7:30 pm.
Meanwhile, he had to make sure the terrace was clean in all respects - there was to be no clutter, no garbage and absolutely no humans.
So he picked up his phone and called up his Man Friday. The call was received after the very first ring.
"Hello?"
"Jee Saheb! Good Evening!"
"Good evening Madhav. Any updates?"
"No Saheb! All's Well Saheb!"
"Where are you? On the terrace?"
"Uhh...Yes Saheb..." Madhav gulped, "How did you....how did you know Saheb?" He looked around to check if he was being watched.
"Because I had asked you to make sure the terrace was cleared off every evening at 7?"
"Oh yes Saheb...that's exactly what I was doing."
"So it's clear, right?" Anshuman began changing into a fresh T-shirt.
"NO...NO Saheb!" Madhav panicked, "Another ten minutes please? We're still cleaning."
"We?" Anshuman's tone changed, "Who's with you?"
"Uhh....Uhh...cleaners Saheb...I brought a couple of cleaners along."
"Cleaners?" Anshuman was annoyed, "Who asked you to hire cleaners? Whom did you speak with about this?"
"No Saheb...I just thought I'd get some helping hands. Don't worry Saheb, you won't have to pay a dime."
"Hell I will!" Anshuman smirked, "You hired them...you pay if you have to."
"Yes Saheb."
"Ten minutes only, okay? I want the place absolutely clean!"
"Sure thing Saheb!"
Anshuman hung up. He was really looking forward to a great evening. Of course, this was not going to be better than being in bed with someone, but it certainly came a close second. After all, as Anshuman and his friends always swore unconvincingly - "Bros over hoes...always!"
At exactly 7:20 pm, Anshuman reached the door of the terrace, only to find Gardener Madhav and a couple of men rushing out with huge bags. As soon as their eyes met, there was awkward silence.
"Good evening Saheb", Madhav broke the silence, "Home early tonight?"
"Yeah...you have a problem with that?"
"No no Saheb", Madhav laughed, "Why would I have a problem with..."
"Has everything been cleared?" Anshuman cut him off.
"Yes Saheb....come and see for yourself."
"What's in those bags?" Anshuman pointed out to the bags in Madhav's friends' hands.
"Just garbage Saheb."
"Hmm...off you go now...good night!"
"Good night Saheb."
"Keys?"
"Huh?" Madhav was confused.
"Terrace keys!" Anshuman barked, "Are you drunk?"
"Drunk? No Saheb! Me? Drunk?" Madhav started smiling sheepishly as he dropped the keys in Anshuman's hand.
Anshuman pocketed the keys and steeped out onto the terrace. Everything was exactly the way he wanted it - there was no garbage, there were no people and there was a small rectangular wooden coffee table in a corner, with six plastic chairs around it.
To Anshuman's surprise, there were two sealed bottles of soda under the coffee table. Someone must have left them there.
"Madhav! Are you still there?" Anshuman shouted and waited for a response. There was none.
"Perfect!" he declared as he waited for his friends to trickle in one by one.
*Chai-biskoot - A Indian term referring to evening 'chai tea' with biscuits.
*Saheb - A term used by some people in India to refer to people in a position of authority, like the English 'Sir'.
*Papad - A fairly large poppadom
Idiosyncrasies of a Covidiot
All episodes so far
Episode 01 - Aaho-Choo Story
Episode 02 - Bus-Ted
Episode 03 - Bohemian Clapsody
Episode 04 - Departmental Chor
Episode 05 - Exceptionally Coarse
Episode 06 - Fruits & Nuts
Episode 07 - Gross Spread
Episode 08 - Helping Hands
Episode 09 - I Want to Break Free
Episode 10 - Jamboree
Episode 11 - Keep Safe Distance
Episode 12 - Let There Be Light
Episode 13 - Musical Masti
Episode 14 - Night Riders
Episode 15 - Order Order
Episode 16 - Papa the Great
Episode 17 - Quarantine
Episode 18 - Daily Report
The "garbage" consisted of chips packets and maybe empty alcohol bottles?
ReplyDeleteThe watchman did a "clean" job, no doubt.
Now covidiots can enjoy their party :(