SCRIPTED IN SANITY: 01/05/2020

Sunday, 3 May 2020

EXTRA-TERRACE-TRIAL

This episode will have certain references to Episode 18 - Daily Report and Episode 19 - Saturday Night

Anshuman lay in his bed, unwilling to even shift sides. Last night had been one of great fun with his friends. They spent three...or maybe four hours (he couldn't quite remember) drinking, smoking and talking (or bitching) about things...and of course, people.

Their discussions had started around largely civil topics, such as the coronavirus and the Government's policies. But very quickly, they escalated to fellow-residents, colleagues and bosses and women. Anshuman also vaguely remembered sharing his boss Lata's Instagram page with his friends - he couldn't, however, remember whether or not they were impressed with what they saw. By the time they had finished, Anshuman had been too wasted to realise that he had forgotten to lock the terrace - Pedro had to come to his rescue.

But this was a Sunday morning, so he wouldn't have to worry about waking up early. He checked the time on his smartphone - it was only around 11:30 am. He could easily stay in bed for another hour, and wake up just in time for lunch...lunch that would be prepared and delivered by Parekh Aunty downstairs.

Today was his well-earned rest day.

Or so he thought!

His moment of peace was disturbed when his phone rang - it was Ajju.

"Hello?" Anshuman's voice betrayed the sleep in his eyes.

"Where the fuck were you? We've been trying to call you since four hours!" Ajju was clearly agitated.

"We?"

"Me...Pedro...Anky...Raju...remember we met last night?"

"Hey...cut the sarcasm man! You're sounding like my boss now! Tell me what happened!"

"Check your whatsapp messages...right now!"

"Will you..." Ajju hung up before Anshuman could finish his sentence.

Anshuman checked his messages - there was a deluge. Many of them were forwards of the same video message - a video message by the local MLA. He clicked it and listened attentively.

Namaskaar. I am your humble servant Chandulal Bhigona. As of 11 pm on 25th April, there have been twelve new COVID-positive cases in our area, and three patients have died. With this, the total number of active COVID 19 cases in our area has touched 63. We should all be very very concerned.

As you all know, I had promised to introduce stringent measures to enforce strict implementation of the lockdown. Accordingly, since the past two days, we have been conducting aerial surveillance of our area with the help of drones. We found locals - youngsters and elders alike, roaming freely in the Hanuman Nagar and Thakurgaon areas, and that too without masks. They started running indoors as soon as they heard our drones hover above them.

Our drone also captured images of people gathering together in crowds on building terraces. There were children cycling, youngsters playing card games and adults having elaborate tea parties. This complete disregard of social distancing rules is really irresponsible and shocking, and if this does not stop soon, strict action will be taken.

I must also point out one building in particular. Till about 6 pm in the evening, our drones got visuals of kids running around and cycling on the terrace. About exactly 6 pm, three men came and drove away the kids, before settling down for a drinks party. Exactly an hour later, these three men made way for a group of five who then had a smoke and drink party of their own, with loud music playing in the background. One of them got drunk and began impersonating yours truly.

I this opportunity to warn all of these rule-breakers to mend their ways, or else we have all the evidence required to enforce action against you.

Stay home. Stay safe. Jai Hind.

Idiosyncrasies of a Covidiot

All episodes so far

Episode 01 - Aaho-Choo Story

Episode 02 - Bus-Ted

Episode 03 - Bohemian Clapsody

Episode 04 - Departmental Chor

Episode 05 - Exceptionally Coarse

Episode 06 - Fruits & Nuts

Episode 07 - Gross Spread

Episode 08 - Helping Hands

Episode 09 - I Want to Break Free

Episode 10 - Jamboree

Episode 11 - Keep Safe Distance

Episode 12 - Let There Be Light

Episode 13 - Musical Masti

Episode 14 - Night Riders

Episode 15 - Order Order

Episode 16 - Papa the Great

Episode 17 - Quarantine

Episode 18 - Daily Report

Episode 19 - Saturday Night

SATURDAY NIGHT

This episode will have certain references to Episode 18 - Daily Report

Anshuman lay down in bed after having his dinner. The day had progressed quite well, except for a few low points here and there.

After having clocked in his eight hours at work at the bank, he was back home by 6 pm, all thanks to the deserted roads. After a quick bath and his evening 'chai-biskoot', he called up his friends from the colony - Rajesh, Ankur, Peter and Ajay (or Raju, Anky, Pedro and Ajju, respectively) for a get-together on the terrace. This used to be something they religiously did at Anshuman's house every other Saturday evening, before the lockdown. Although behind closed doors, Anshuman's get-togethers were notorious for having it all - the cacophony of loud EDM music playing in the background, booze flowing like a river and the smoky haze of a dozen packs of cigarettes. On special occasions there would even be a few joints doing the rounds.

Since tonight was one of those Saturday Nights, Anshuman was in the mood to let his hair down. He had assigned roles for everyone - Raju would be fetching the smokes and ashtray, Anky would get the glasses and a few bottles of soda, Pedro would fetch the beer bottles and Ajju would bring along his portable MP3 player and a bottle of Scotch whiskey from his private bar. Anshuman, as always, would arrange for the venue, an ice box, deep fried papad and paper napkins. Only the resourceful knew how and where to get what they needed - and this was certainly a resourceful gang.

Now that he had already laid down rules for the use of the building terrace, he was fairly certain that it would be cleared out by 7 pm. Yet, just to make sure the coast was absolutely clear, he asked his friends to gather only at 7:30 pm.

Meanwhile, he had to make sure the terrace was clean in all respects - there was to be no clutter, no garbage and absolutely no humans.

So he picked up his phone and called up his Man Friday. The call was received after the very first ring.

"Hello?"

"Jee Saheb! Good Evening!"

"Good evening Madhav. Any updates?"

"No Saheb! All's Well Saheb!"

"Where are you? On the terrace?"

"Uhh...Yes Saheb..." Madhav gulped, "How did you....how did you know Saheb?" He looked around to check if he was being watched.

"Because I had asked you to make sure the terrace was cleared off every evening at 7?"

"Oh yes Saheb...that's exactly what I was doing."

"So it's clear, right?" Anshuman began changing into a fresh T-shirt.

"NO...NO Saheb!" Madhav panicked, "Another ten minutes please? We're still cleaning."

"We?" Anshuman's tone changed, "Who's with you?"

"Uhh....Uhh...cleaners Saheb...I brought a couple of cleaners along."

"Cleaners?" Anshuman was annoyed, "Who asked you to hire cleaners? Whom did you speak with about this?"

"No Saheb...I just thought I'd get some helping hands. Don't worry Saheb, you won't have to pay a dime."

"Hell I will!" Anshuman smirked, "You hired them...you pay if you have to."

"Yes Saheb."

"Ten minutes only, okay? I want the place absolutely clean!"

"Sure thing Saheb!"

Anshuman hung up. He was really looking forward to a great evening. Of course, this was not going to be better than being in bed with someone, but it certainly came a close second. After all, as Anshuman and his friends always swore unconvincingly - "Bros over hoes...always!"

At exactly 7:20 pm, Anshuman reached the door of the terrace, only to find Gardener Madhav and a couple of men rushing out with huge bags. As soon as their eyes met, there was awkward silence.

"Good evening Saheb", Madhav broke the silence, "Home early tonight?"

"Yeah...you have a problem with that?"

"No no Saheb", Madhav laughed, "Why would I have a problem with..."

"Has everything been cleared?" Anshuman cut him off.

"Yes Saheb....come and see for yourself."

"What's in those bags?" Anshuman pointed out to the bags in Madhav's friends' hands.

"Just garbage Saheb."

"Hmm...off you go now...good night!"

"Good night Saheb."

"Keys?"

"Huh?" Madhav was confused.

"Terrace keys!" Anshuman barked, "Are you drunk?"

"Drunk? No Saheb! Me? Drunk?" Madhav started smiling sheepishly as he dropped the keys in Anshuman's hand.

Anshuman pocketed the keys and steeped out onto the terrace. Everything was exactly the way he wanted it - there was no garbage, there were no people and there was a small rectangular wooden coffee table in a corner, with six plastic chairs around it.

To Anshuman's surprise, there were two sealed bottles of soda under the coffee table. Someone must have left them there.

"Madhav! Are you still there?" Anshuman shouted and waited for a response. There was none.

"Perfect!" he declared as he waited for his friends to trickle in one by one.

*Chai-biskoot - A Indian term referring to evening 'chai tea' with biscuits.
*Saheb - A term used by some people in India to refer to people in a position of authority, like the English 'Sir'.
*Papad - A fairly large poppadom