Monday, 23 November 2015

SANSKAR-FRIENDLY BOND


So thanks to the CBFC and its head Sant Pahlaj Nihalani, Indian cinema houses will now screen a toned, 'Sanskaar-friendly', '50% saturated kiss-free' version of the latest James Bond flick - Spectre. The CBFC, which would rather show flowers coming together than two people making out on screen has snipped out sex/kissing scenes by almost 50% and also a few swear words from the movie, which means that the movie's running time has now been pared from the original length of 2.5 hours to maybe just over an hour and a half. That leaves us with not one, but two boring family-oriented movies playing in multiplexes, the other being 'Prem Rotten Ratan Dhan Paayo'.

I'm sure if the CBFC, under Sant Nihalani, were ever given the choice to make changes to Bond flicks retrospectively, they'd jump at the opportunity.

In fact, rumours are afloat that the CBFC has reworked and retitled some Bond flicks of the past. They have also outright banned a few movies that they deemed were beyond repair. Some of these repackaged Sanskari Bond flicks are as follows:-

  1. Dr. No - Since CBFC chiefs traditionally take pride in saying 'no' to everything that passes under their noses, this movie has been reworked to look like Sant Nihalani's biography.
  2. From Russia CBFC With Love Cuts - The plot revolves around a CBFC chief, who considers it his moral responsibility to censor any and every thing that comes his way. The movie features a controversial scene in which Sant Nihalani goes scissor-happy on a movie scene featuring a guy milking a gaai, only because it technically involved the display of bare teats.
  3. Gold Finger Unglee - The CBFC initially set out to Sanskaarify it with a desi translation, but since doing unglee on screen was not a sanskaari thing to do, they eventually decided to ban it.
  4. Thunder Ball - Another banned flick...because thunder thighs and 'balls' are too sexual for Indian audiences.
  5. You Only Live Kiss Twice - The release of this movie was a mistake. The CBFC decided to re-release an old Bond movie in its original format, albeit with a million cuts. However, they forgot to cut two kissing scenes. Since it was too late to make amends by the time they noticed the faux pas, they gave the movie an apt title. But hey, they gave the movie an 'A' rating as well.
  6. On Her Majesty's Maata Raani's Secret Service - A musical movie on Satsangs, Maata Ki Chowkis and Jaagrans, featuring the effervescent Shri Narendra Chanchal in a leading role. On overwhelming demand from the Indian Catholic community, another version of the movie, with the title "On Mother Mary's Secret Service" is being planned.
  7. Diamonds Mangal Sutras Are Forever - The movie is a tribute to the ever-loyal, faithful till death sanskaari Indian biwi, who stands by her hubby by all means, even if he's Lucifer-ka-baap and has 'koti-koti' misdemeanours to his credit.
  8. Live And Let Die - Was rechristened as 'Jeeyo Aur Marney Do'. Since the title eventually did not suit their agenda, they decided to sell its rights to either movie channels screening dubbed/poorly-translated South Indian movies, or the Ramsey Brothers.
  9. The Man With The Golden Gun Shorts - This movie is a tribute to a group whose cadres wear khaki shorts and serve only one section of the nation.
  10. The Spy Who Loved Me - Since the movie was assumed to revolve around a spy and his love making, and because the CBFC was too freaked out to actually check, they decided to play safe. Accordingly, the movie now only consists of opening and closing credits.
  11. Moonraker - A movie about Karwa Chauth - It's All About Loving Your Hubby
  12. For Your Desi Eyes Only - As the title suggests, this movie has been strategically and intelligently reworked to include images of bees, flowers coming together, birds chasing each other and other subliminal imagery to suit the Indian sensitivity. The CBFC was smart enough to show a few scenes of hands and feet rubbing, just to tease audiences and to alleviate sagging ticket sales
  13. Octopussy - Banned, because the movie suggests eight....get the drift?
  14. A View To Kill - A movie about getting rid of em no-good beef eaters
  15. The Living Daylights Diyas - A documentary on the power of  prayer
  16. License To Kill - A sequel to #14
  17. Golden Red Eye - A medical documentary on Conjunctivitis
  18. Tomorrow Never Dies - A movie about an Indian businessman who keeps delaying payments to his vendors, employees and lenders by saying the cliched ''Kal Pakka''. Featuring a Vijay Mallya lookalike
  19. The World Is Not Enough - An engaging and popular story about a Prime Minister who loves globe-trotting
  20. Die Another Day - A sequel to the hugely popular #14 and #16
  21. Casino Royale - Gambling is bad...banned!
  22. Quantum of Solace So Less - A movie made by the CBFC to poke fun at and troll 'perverted' minds who criticise the CBFC and its snip-happy ways. The story reveloves around the dismay faced by Bond movie fans who complain that the CBFC cuts leave "so less" (sic) to watch in the movie
  23. Skyfall - The movie is portrayed to be based on true life incidents. The story revolves around an aircraft from ancient Vedic times that enters Indian skies during Kalyug, but is tragically brought down by ugly high-flying political hoardings
Fancy watching any of these? I'm not a big James Bond fan...frankly speaking I haven't watched a single Bond movie till date, but I don't mind watching any of these CBFC-certified versions if you give me company.

Game for some clean fun, anyone?

This post was selected by Blogadda as one of the Tangy Tuesday Picks for the Week ended 24th November 2015.


Tuesday, 17 November 2015

DON'T LOOK

The room was dark and silent, exactly the way I had seen it the last time my eyes were open. The fading embers of a torch on the wall was the only source of light, offering limited visibility in the dingy surroundings. The silence was deafening to the point that the only sounds I could hear were those of mysterious insects. The ambience of the room was far from inviting, but I had gotten used to it. Besides, I wasn't looking forward to having guests over anytime soon.

Hours of lying down in the same position had made my back sore. Barely had I shifted my once heavy frame to get into a more comfortable position when I saw those faces. I was certainly taken by surprise.

There were three of them, two males and one female. They were all standing, leaning over me. Their faces were pale and impassive, almost as if frozen, absolutely bereft of emotions. I felt extremely uncomfortable, because they were all staring at me. I hate being looked at.

I'm not sure whether my dislike of being looked at stems from my social phobia or from my inferiority complex. I had been grossly overweight and ugly for most of my adult life. Years of being ridiculed and laughed at for the way I looked had made me weary of social gatherings. I always detested being looked at because I thought people who were looking at me were judging me negatively.

They were still staring at me. I began thinking about the kind of pictures they were probably painting in their minds about me. The feeling was not so great, because I was pretty sure that those pictures were most probably hideous. I grew even more uncomfortable. The way they were looking at me...oh, I hated it!

I wanted to ask them to leave at once, but I couldn't speak, no matter how hard I tried. I could think, I knew what I wanted to say, but I couldn't speak. I knew quite well that the reason was obviously natural wear and tear. But I could not stand these intruders any longer. They were still staring at me...I hated it.

As always, all I needed to do to chase the intruders away was to sit up in my casket.


Tuesday, 3 November 2015

WHY I SHAVE MY HEAD

Image Source: www.straightrazorplace.com

I shave my head, almost everyday.

People ask me why, some 
lout of genuine curiosity, others just for fun.

I hate both types.

Some people think it's funny when they ask bald guys for a comb. I wish I could take that comb,turn it sideways and shove it up the joker's Tundra region.

Although it's none of your bloody business, here are some possible reasons why I shave my head. One/all/none of these answers might be true. Choose any one to suit yourselves.

I shave my head...


  • Because in my case (absolutely) nothing is better than (a scarce) something.
  • Because I firmly believe that all men will eventually go bald, and I wanted  to enjoy first movers' advantage
  • Because I'm fully aware of the power of aero-dynamics
  • Because I wanted to get in touch with my inner Chanakya
  • Because shampoos cost a bomb these days
  • Because I wanted to keep my inner-Samson in control and Delilahs away
  • Because I heard the NBA were looking for Indian recruits
  • Because I wanted to maximise the absorption of Vitamin D
  • Because I love to keep people guessing whether I'm a gentle Buddhist or a mercurial Hell's Angel
  • Because yanking the hair off would be really painful
Please leave us baldies alone.

(Bald) Jann-Hith Mein Jaari

Cheers
CRD

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