BEATING THE FREAKING HEAT

Above the hills, along the blue, 

Round the bright air with footing true, 

To please the child, to paint the rose, 

The gardener of the World, he goes

Thats how the great poet, Robert Louis Stevenson describes the Sun, in his famous poem, "The Summer Sun"

"To Please the child, to paint the rose???..The Sun???" Thats surely not how we Indians would look att he Sun. Maybe the Sun out there in England is a milder brother of the one we have out here. Especially for those who live in Mumbai, Summer has less to do with blooming gossamer than it has to do with sticky apparel, melting foreheads and smelly underarms. We don't even have a winter out here. Tell em folks in England that  the temperature is a 'pleasant' 23 degrees Celcius in Winter and they'll laugh at you, coz thats what their Summers usually are like.

So, for all those pissed-off victims of the Summer Heat - presenting a list of things you could do to Beat The Heat

• Seen those ads on TV? - "Duniya Ka Sabse Chota AC?", "Thanda Thanda Powder", "Thanda Thanda Cool Cool". Well, nows your chance to check if these really work. Go shopping and buy all of these prickly heat powders and oils and what not's. Take a tub-full of water, mix all of these in it to prepare a concoction of your own. Store the resulting paste in bottles and dab it on your body, or your scalp, or anywhere you get hot (pun intended), before you go out in the Heat. It ought to make you the coolest living being on Earth (so what if the paste made you look like an albino Zombie?) If it works, do let me know.

• Invest in a huge plastic bath tub.  Stay in it all day long. Consider getting wheelchair-like wheels attached to its sides so that you could move around in it as well. Stay fresh all day long!

• Warning - getting someone to join you in it will result in a counter-effect, coz that way, you'll feel hot.

• This one's for guys - Don the Salman "I hate my shirt" Khan look, and go topless. Gals, please don't try this outside your home - spare us guys the heat.

• For relief from the heat till Retirement or Death (whichever comes first) - Join the Indian Army....then hope that they post you to Ladakh or the North East. You'll either live or die with the cold weather, or die in a cold-blooded attack. "Main kya hai?? Cold na??"

• Sing the Kolkata Knight Riders anthem. It didn't fetch them too many wins, but maybe it could help bring in some rain. you don't believe me? See their records, they lost a lot of points due to rain-washed matches and the Duckworth-Lewis rule. Unbelieveable? Believe It!!

• Pray for more heat. Maybe God will do the exact opposite this time as well.

• On the flip-side, he might decide to grant you your wish this time. Your risk completely!

• Sing Raag Malhar. If you're a Good Singer, maybe the Rain Gods will get pleased and send em rains. If you're a bad singer, people will pay you to shut up. The money can be used to invest in an AC.

• This one's for all those who get admonished for arriving late to office. Most offices today have AC's. So do yourself a favour, and reach office on time, or even before time. Stay back in office late, even  after office hours. That way, you enjoy more time in an airconditioned environment, without an extra load on your personal electricity bill, and also boost your executive image. Cool weather and better appraisals...hai na double faayda?

• Try one of the 1000's of fishy products they sell through the doubly fishy Teleshopping network ads shown on TV after midnight. There might definitely be a dozen out there that claim to beat the heat. What if they don't solve the heat problem? Well, you'll probably go cold with the rude shock you receive after realising that you've been duped of your hard earned money.

• If nothing works, then live with it dammit! Look at those people who live in deserts for inspiration.

Adios

This post won the 1st Runner-up position at the Bloggeratti "Summer Heat" Contest, held in June, 2009.

BAD INFLUENCE

The traffic signal was only a few metres away now, and the yellow light had just begun to blink. There were just four or five odd cars ahead, all of them small ones, and Randy knew he'd easily be able to dodge them and beat the signal if he stepped on the pedal a little harder. But that's not what he intended to do. This was probably the first time time he had ever wanted the lights to turn red before he could pass under. 

After all, it wasn't everyday that your car got hijacked. The man with the mohawk hairdo and the gun had been in his car since the time he had moved his car out from the mall's driving lot, or probably much before that. Ever since he had revealed himself, he had been holding his weapon against his ribs.

Randy was hoping that his "Emergency Alert" key on his brand new GPS-enabled Roth Cellular had worked, and that the cops would be ready. waiting somewhere along the way to rescue him from the weirdo in the backseat. Maybe they were waiting in the cabin under the signal-post. He began to slow down, eagerly hoping that the signal would turn red any moment now.

"What the fuck are you doin Shitface??? Go faster!", yelped the punk in a hurried, gruff, yet low voice.

"Err..I didn't slow down..."

*Thwack* - the gun's butt landed hard on his temple, but not hard enough to knock him out.

"I said Drive FASTER. You've got to beat that signal !!! "

"Oww! Erm..Yeah"

Randy pretended to lose a little control while moving a little fast. A good delay-tactic he'd learnt from one of the millions of Hollywood flicks he loved watching.

And just when they were a couple of metres away from it, the signal flared RED, and Randy's feet were quick to jump on the clutch-brake duo.

"Bastard"

"Its red dude, I can't jump a signal. We'll both get caught. You don't want that, do you?"

"Well, if I get caught, you'll be comin with me too shitface!!"

"You really think so??"

"You don't believe me eh? Don't try to be a smart ass, dickhead. If I hit the slammer, you're gonna gimme company!! Okay?"

"Yeah right"

Just then a couple of armed cops appeared as if out of thin air. Both came charging towards the stationary SUV. 

One of them barked, "Come out with your hands behind your head. Drop your weapons if you have any!!!"

Randy and the Punk both didn't say a word. Noth came out and did as they were told to.

The cops seemed to recognise the freak. While one of them spelt out the rights and handcuffed the Punk, the other looked at Randy as if he felt sorry for him. 

"You're not moving...OK?"

"Sure officer! I'll co-operate. thanks for coming on time. You've been really quick. Thanx a lot!!"

"Yeah", said the officer, followed by something that sounded like "Tsk Tsk". Then he pulled out his radio and quickly started barking orders.

As the handcuffed Punk was being led away, he laughed out loud at Randy and spat in his direction. 

"See you in jail DiCKHEAD!!", he spewed venom and laughed like a maniac.

'He's probably gone nuts', Randy thought to himself. 'Guess I'll make a move'

Just then a mean-looking traffic officer arrived on a meaner-looking two-wheeler. he got off real quick and ran towards Randy.

"You're coming with me pal !", he said in a gruff voice.

"For reporting formalities? Sure!! "

"Nope", said a cop who came up from behind the traffic officer, with handcuffs dangling from his hand raised high, "You're hitting the slammer"

"Huh? Why me??". Randy's face went red with both shock and anger.

"That Punk who hijacked yer car...."

Randy interrupted him, "What about him?"

"Well, his name's LICKER !!"

"AWW SHUCKS!!", said Randy as he held up his clenched fists.

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'NEVER DRIVE UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF LIQUOR', OR ANYTHING THAT SOUNDS LIKE IT!!