Monday, 15 June 2009

BEATING THE FREAKING HEAT

Above the hills, along the blue, 
Round the bright air with footing true, 
To please the child, to paint the rose, 
The gardener of the World, he goes

Thats how the great poet, Robert Louis Stevenson describes the Sun, in his famous poem, "The Summer Sun"

"To Please the child, to paint the rose???..The Sun???" Thats surely not how we Indians would look att he Sun. Maybe the Sun out there in England is a milder brother of the one we have out here. Especially for those who live in Mumbai, Summer has less to do with blooming gossamer than it has to do with sticky apparel, melting foreheads and smelly underarms. We don't even have a winter out here. Tell em folks in England that  the temperature is a 'pleasant' 23 degrees Celcius in Winter and they'll laugh at you, coz thats what their Summers usually are like.

So, for all those pissed-off victims of the Summer Heat - presenting a list of things you could do to Beat The Heat

  • Seen those ads on TV? - "Duniya Ka Sabse Chota AC?", "Thanda Thanda Powder", "Thanda Thanda Cool Cool". Well, nows your chance to check if these really work. Go shopping and buy all of these prickly heat powders and oils and what not's. Take a tub-full of water, mix all of these in it to prepare a concoction of your own. Store the resulting paste in bottles and dab it on your body, or your scalp, or anywhere you get hot (pun intended), before you go out in the Heat. It ought to make you the coolest living being on Earth (so what if the paste made you look like an albino Zombie?) If it works, do let me know.
  • Invest in a huge plastic bath tub.  Stay in it all day long. Consider getting wheelchair-like wheels attached to its sides so that you could move around in it as well. Stay fresh all day long!
  • Warning - getting someone to join you in it will result in a counter-effect, coz that way, you'll feel hot.
  • This one's for guys - Don the Salman "I hate my shirt" Khan look, and go topless. Gals, please don't try this outside your home - spare us guys the heat.
  • For relief from the heat till Retirement or Death (whichever comes first) - Join the Indian Army....then hope that they post you to Ladakh or the North East. You'll either live or die with the cold weather, or die in a cold-blooded attack. "Main kya hai?? Cold na??"
  • Sing the Kolkata Knight Riders anthem. It didn't fetch them too many wins, but maybe it could help bring in some rain. you don't believe me? See their records, they lost a lot of points due to rain-washed matches and the Duckworth-Lewis rule. Unbelieveable? Believe It!!
  • Pray for more heat. Maybe God will do the exact opposite this time as well.
  • On the flip-side, he might decide to grant you your wish this time. Your risk completely!
  • Sing Raag Malhar. If you're a Good Singer, maybe the Rain Gods will get pleased and send em rains. If you're a bad singer, people will pay you to shut up. The money can be used to invest in an AC.
  • This one's for all those who get admonished for arriving late to office. Most offices today have AC's. So do yourself a favour, and reach office on time, or even before time. Stay back in office late, even  after office hours. That way, you enjoy more time in an airconditioned environment, without an extra load on your personal electricity bill, and also boost your executive image. Cool weather and better appraisals...hai na double faayda?
  • Try one of the 1000's of fishy products they sell through the doubly fishy Teleshopping network ads shown on TV after midnight. There might definitely be a dozen out there that claim to beat the heat. What if they don't solve the heat problem? Well, you'll probably go cold with the rude shock you receive after realising that you've been duped of your hard earned money.
  • If nothing works, then live with it dammit! Look at those people who live in deserts for inspiration.

Adios


This post won the 1st Runner-up position at the Bloggeratti "Summer Heat" Contest, held in June, 2009.


44 comments:

  1. lovely write up... esply liked the idea of singing Raag Malhar, can u hear me from thr?? hee hee... well Delhi's weather is extreme so we do get to reach out 10 n 12 degree Celsius in winters so summers r welcomed here :D

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  2. This is good!
    Remember my previous comment about you winning if the theme is 'Weird story'? I guess you may win anyway... :)

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  3. yes, and you Mumbaikar, look at Kolkata for inspiration... It's the heat PLUS humidity here.. We're sweaty bloated overcooked potatoes here...

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  4. heres the part of de deal i think;)...i have nothing to say and feel as im blessed to be in blr... the city which has i think the most amazing weather gods ruling it:)

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  5. hahahaha CRD this was "SOMETHING"
    enjoyed from top to bottom.now go and look out if there's anyone to follow these tips.

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  6. heeheh. Aila came n went n we're still high n dry!!! minus electricity in many areas :)

    well!! the bleddy english poets cud be so poetic abt the sun bcoz in england the sun is a rare sight! it's either cloudy or windy or drizzling or all together! then wen ur utterly frustrated, the sun will peep out of the clouds and ah! wat a welcome sight that is!

    laughed my guts out while reading :D ...practically speaking...stay in office :)

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  7. ha ha good tips but you forgot one
    If all fails move to england!!!!lolz

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  8. @Tabitha - I Like too :) In fact, I LOVE comments :d

    Thanx :)

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  9. @Shruti - 10 to 12 degrees. I think i shud hibernate to delhi during winters...we dont have em here :(

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  10. @sagar - naww man. this one's totally slapstick :P

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  11. @jadis - humidity?? 87% humidity levels here gal..more potatoes at this end :P

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  12. @Dream Runner -........................................................................................................
    Okay..

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  13. @tasneem - why don't u volunteer madame ? :P

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  14. :D .... good suggestions! have u tried ne of them???

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  15. Nice stuff! Summers just make people go insane. The worst possible thing we can imagine is hot water gushing out of the taps (and tat's exactly what is happening).. I'll follow this next summer. This one's already over. :P

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  16. Damm good presentation of your write up....I liked it..Btw wer did u get that snapp..ohh super selection.. Indeed beating the freaking heat!! loll

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  17. Rofl !! Good one . You forgot to mention the heartless power cuts of the summer though :(

    Now u need to come up with ways to beat the monsoon less , water less , monsoon season !

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  18. lolz....
    ha ha ha!!

    Good ones....
    Will try applying some of them for next summer.... :D

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  19. very very nice..... i laughed thru each and every suggestion
    thank god it started raining cuz a few more days of the heat and i might have been tempted to try out a few of your suggestions

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  20. Try living where I live Chrissy. The humidity and the heat is awesome. The fish stay out of the water, to tan. It's sticky, its HOT, its Dry, then its sticky again. And yes, since its the Middle East, no hope of rains. Stop whining about Bombay. Make holes in your chuddi, for air conditioning purposes. Enjoyed that post :D !

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  21. oy! this stuff is good, glad u viited mine. I love ur humour, ur ideas nd the imagination :)

    P.S The company's act was written by a six-foot tall, brown grizzly bear.
    keep writing!!
    ciao
    Mikimbizii.

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  22. This one was sooooooooooooooooooooo nice!!

    Loved it truly!!

    :)

    All the best.Hope the most deserving post wins.

    ^_^

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  23. congrats..

    and on that bath tub, i was about to suggest company which was added as a warning later..

    and on donning the salman look, well, we dont want the guys to end up sunburnt.. yuck!!

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  24. i almost fell off my chair reading abt the albino zombie!!!!

    The post was worth its salt at the bloggerati contest!!!

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  25. hey CRD..loved dis one! Keep Writing!

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  26. I like I like! :D
    I agree too! Being down in chennai, it is still hot considering it is the time when rains should hit this place!

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  27. @Misty Rhythm - Oh yea! Staying in office is the best idea!

    Unless your boss is always sitting on your head :P

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  28. @Angel - Move to England???

    Ajjeee koi cost-effective Tarqeeb sunaiye!

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  29. @Matangi - Yea I have!

    I'm not telling you which one though :P

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  30. @Gopalakrishnan - Oh yeah! Hot water gushing out of the cold water tap is a REAl pain!

    Thanx for visiting :)

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  31. @Sajith - Well thats how I'll look when I grow old and suffer from albinism :P

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  32. @Fantasies of a Lifetime - Beat the monsson? No yaar! I want the monssons here ASAP.

    Actually while I'm commenting, the monssons are already here...and HOW!!

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  33. @Vitruvian - Yea go ahead :)

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  34. @Anita- Aww, you were about to try???

    Damn monsooon!!

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  35. @Weird - Try being thr? Was born in Kuwait ok? So I've been there, done tht! :P

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  36. @mikimbizi - Arre glad you've returned the gesture :)

    Quite an educated grizzly bear I must say! Is he south indian? :P

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  37. @Where thoughts Are Words - Thanx a Lot :)

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  38. @Manorath - No dude, someone who has a body like salamn wudnt mind gettin sun burnt, coz he'll be having a nice session in the bathtub later..not alone :P

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  39. @Swati - Swati at her rare Sweetest ! :P

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  40. @nupur - Told ya not to have too much at the bar :P

    Thanx :)

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  41. @Zany - I Hope it does soon. :) Thanx for visiting :)

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