FOUR YEARS OF INSANITY

Scripted In Sanity has completed 4 years! Never thought it'd make it this far and don't know how far I can take it from here.

Cheers,
CRD

GRAFT-CRAFT

9 April 2011
Dear Diary,
Anna Hazare won his 98-hour long battle against corruption today. The government has finally bowed down to our demand to pass the Janpal Jan Lokpal Bill. Anna broke his fast with a glass of water this morning. I, Priyesh and Avantika joined thousands of other protesters who had assembled at Azad Maidan. All of us shouted out in unison when news of the government having relented broke out.

Our fight against corruption has only just begun. Down with the politicians! Damn you, ghoos-khor bastards!!

13 April 2011
Dear Diary,
I and Priyesh were on our way to our gym after work this evening in his red Chevy Beat. Our workout session usually starts at 7pm, and we were running late. So Priyesh stepped on the gas and unfortunately jumped a signal at Vakola. To make things worse, one of em moolah-hungry Paandus was immediately on our tail. He let us go only after Priyesh pulled out a 'shambhar-chi' note. I'm upset with our system. And I'm damn pissed with Priyesh. Can't believe the loser was with me at Azad Maidan only a few days ago 'fighting' corruption. Bloody Hypocrite!

19 April 2011
Dear Diary,
It's appraisal time at work, and suddenly everyone's sticking their noses around our boss' backside. Too bad I'm not used to ass-kissing. Avantika has been wearing low-necked tops since a week now. She's been frequenting the boss' cabin a lot of late. Last I heard, she's invited him for dinner during this weekend. So glad I'm not a manipulator like she is. What a whore!

24 April 2011
Dear Diary,
Going to meet Saloni's parents tonight. She told them about me only last night. I hope the parents like me. An extra-large bouquet and a pack of Cuban cigars should do the trick. Wish me luck!!

It's sad, but it's true. Every man wants to know the other's price.

P.S. - Howdy readers. Glad to be back after four months of hibernation. That's what love does to you. Well, I got engaged on March 13. The Facebook Badge widget on my blog stands as testimony to this event. Wedding bells will ring in October-end this year. I'm darn happy, and sometimes I think that's precisely what kept me away from writing all these days. So why did I get back to writing now? Am I sad? Hell no! The blogpost count for the year 2011 that screamed "ZERO" raised my demons.

--CRD

Now Playing : Disturbed - Down With The Sickness

SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN

Yet another Christmas has come and gone. Santa's doled out his gifts. I stopped asking him for gifts ever since I overgrew the biggest stocking available in the market. But since we humans like to receive, Santa's still in business.

Here's a list of things some of the rich and famous must've asked from Santa:-

Ashok Chavan - Nevermind my ministry. I want my flat back.

Tiger Woods - I want a trophy...and a new cellphone with QWERTY keypads.

Shane Warne - I need lotsa phone numbers. I don't work anymore..whadda you expect me to do all day for Christsakes?

Julian Assange - I want nothing. But I do know what YOU want. I'll keep your fans posted ;)

Veena Malik - I wanna go back to Pakistan

The Great Khali - Umphh gmmph jukssh ummph...

Begum Nawazish Ali - I wanna be a man...ermm..no, a woman....uhmmm..no wait...gimme some time to think meri jaan!

Arnab Goswami - Forget what I want. Tonight INDIA wants an answer Mr.Santa. Where were you all these months??

China - We want Tibet, Arunachal, Taipei, Aksai Chin....

Freddy Mercury's ghost - I want to ride my bicycle...

Himesh Reshammiya - (angrily) Mujhe tere ghar mein roti chaahiye!!!

Akshay Kumar - Mujhe ek hit chahiye

Abhishek Bachchan - Hey, that ain't fair, I came first....D'oh

A Raja - I want...ahem...psst...I'll call you

Indian opposition parties - Humein bhi scam-scam khelna hai!!

Pranab Mukherjee - zzzzzz

Dr.Manmohan Singh - What do you want me to want Soniaji?

Rajnikant - Come here Santa...tell me what you want..

CRD - I want lotsa comments!!


Feel free to add a few more via your comments.

Compliments of the season!!

Cheers, CRD

FAKEBOOK - THE TIGER-CUB

A few friends sent me some funny emails last week. The emails had funny status messages of people who lived in times when FB didn't exist - Galileo and Julius Caesar to be precise. The mails were so funny, that they inspired me to create something on my own, based on current events.

This piece took me more than 4 hours to create, but it was really worth the effort. I could probably do this more often - a weekly/monthly series would be nice.

Seems the picture ain't very clear. So I suggest you open the image on a new window and then zoom in.

Oh by the way, let me put a disclaimer:- This article is meant to be humourous...and critical as well. As a blogger, I endeavour to put my freedom of expression to use. So please do not set out to burn me after reading this :P

PILED-UP EVIDENCE

It's ironical, but work tends to make you lazy. Office-work to be precise. When we were younger, we used to spend a lot of energy running around, playing some sport or the other, carrying heavy school-bags, etc. In short, we had our daily dose of workouts back then.

But things change as soon as we're adults. We really do work much more, but in the process, our bottoms stay glued to our seats.

I've gained a lot of weight since the new job happened. The four-month workout and weight loss has finally gone to waste. My weighing machine said so. Even if it hadn't to, I'd have found out. The signs say it all.

Presenting, 10 signs that tell you that you've piled on the pounds:-

1. You need standing space as big as a 6-by-6 ki kholi, while you're in a bus or a train


2. When you cease to be beefy, and now look muttony (read fleshy)


3. When your umbrella is not wide enough to cover your whole body


4. When otherwise fierce and massive dogs move aside with their tails between their legs, every time you cross their path


5. When you begin to seethe with rage every time someone gets referred to as 'jaadya', never mind if they're strangers


6. When you stop using the family soap bar, and need one exclusively for yourself...and even that needs to be replaced every three days


7. When your stepping into a swimming pool causes floods in the tiled area around it


8. When your old baggy-shirts now fit like body-hugging baniyaans


9. When you begin to fall short of frame-space while getting solo pictures of yourself clicked


10. When football teams are desperate to have you join them, as a goalkeeper. And no matter how much you plead that you were trained as a midfielder and not as a goalie, they tell you that all you have to do is stand in front of the goalpost

Cheers
CRD

LOVE.PARASITE.

You Cast Your Spell
I Burn In Hell

I Wish You Well
You Toll The Bell
Nay, Not The Bell
You Toll My Knell

Your Pleasure
My Pain
I'm Hurt
Again

I Bare My Soul
You Dig A Hole
I Brace For Falls
To Scale Your Wall

And While I Climb
My Feet They Slip
I Lick My Wounds
My Gash I Grip

And Though Submissive
To My Fate
In Earnest Hope
For Thee I Wait..


- CRD

WE WANT FREEDOM...

India celebrates her 63rd Independence Day today. On this very day, 63 years ago, our erstwhile British colonists left us and our neighbour to settle scores with each other. Our forefathers decided we had finally gotten our freedom on that day.

Our generation, however, feels we're still in chains. We have yet to get freedom. The oppressors might be in a different garb and form, but they're still very much there. We're still in bondage, but we live in denial.

Today's India wants FREEDOM...

from...

...poverty
...illiteracy
...casteism
...corruption
...rising costs
...high electricity bills
...border conflicts
...civil war
...cockroaches & flies
...diseases
...sweat & body-odour
...hairfall
...aging
...religious fanaticism
...racism
...regionalism
...reservations, hell yeah!!
...violence
...bed bugs
...traffic jams
...stadium-sized craters on roads
...India TV
...saas-bahu soap operas
...rona-dhona and bitching on 'reality' shows
...Kites, Milenge Milenge and Raavan
...Ram Gopal Varma
...bullying superiors
...pollution
...global warming
...paan and gutkha stains
...spam mail
...teleshopping network
...calls to download caller tunes
...sleazy and unaesthetic condom & contraceptive-pill ads
...holier-than-thou self-righteous creatures
...God TV, Aastha Channel, Miracle Network,...
...CID and ACP Pradhyuman
...Aahat and its dancing cameraman

While we dream of freedom, here's wishing you yet another

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!!

Cheers
CRD

P.S. - Feel free to add to the list via your comments. It'd be interesting to know my readers' take

WORLD CUP SPOILERS

The FIFA World Cup 2010, being played in South Africa, is already in its pre-quarter final stages. It's an event that happens once in four years, and obviously football lovers like me have been looking forward to it for a long long time.

It's usually blokes, whose favourite teams fail to win the cup, who look forward to the next world cup, hoping their team will kick ass the next time around. My then favourite team, Argentina, failed at the quarter-final stages then. This time though, Spain is my favourite team.

There are a lot of things that make world sport events like these a big hit with viewers. Watching players play for national pride, and fans cheering, and rivalries play out - both on and off the field - banners, flags, et al, these are what make World Cups special.

This World Cup, however, has a few things which I don't quite like - or rather, which I absolutely abhor. They've kinda played spoilsport with my football-fever.

Presenting, things from FIFA World Cup 2010, South Africa that get on my nerves:-

1. The "Wavin Flag" Anthem - I just hate the song. Sounds less like a motivator, and more like as if a cranky kid is jeering at a grown-up. "When I get older, I'm gonna screw ya...I'm gonna kick yer ass, kick yer ass...!!" Bring on the Waka-Waka instead.
   
   
2. The Jabulani - The football being used at this World Cup, called the "Jabulani", which in Zulu means "rejoice", is a huge dampener. Apparently, it's difficult to control, and is absolutely unpredictable, what with the bends it takes, and its speed. It kinda has a mind of its own. No wonder football geniuses look like drunk retards this time around.
   
   
3. The Vuvuzelas - The "Ultimate" torture. Imagine a million mosquitoes buzzing around your ear, on a 'power-cut' night...This sounds worse than that. Apparently, it's an instrument that's played in churches in South Africa. The Churches there shouldn't be surprised if they see the number of parishioners dwindle over time. Blame the vuvuzelas. They're IRRITATING!!
   
   
4. Weird Hairdos - Blonde-permed beards, braided locks, mohawks, half-moon patches, green hair...some players have em all. And they're not a pretty sight. Check out the Algerian squad, for instance. You'll know what I mean.
   
   
5. EPL Duds - I'm a big fan of the English Premier League. I know a lot of players from there, and kinda follow their performances. So it's depressing to see how magicians within the league suddenly seem so amateurish on the world-stage. As we speak, the English team has crashed out of the World Cup, quite humbly. Whatever happened to stars like Rooney, Lampard, Gerrard, etc. Kinda reminds me...THE EPL clubs hardly have English players. Almost all of em are foreigners, with Englishmen only drafted in for training sessions.
   
   
6. Dearth of Goals - This has been a pretty low-scoring World Cup. Don't count the 7-0 drubbing that Portugal meted out to North Korea - that was like India playing Nepal in cricket. But seriously, when you watch football, you really look forward to goals being scored, and that has been lacking this time.
   
   
7. Diving Championship - This is a reason I hate sides like Portugal, Brazil, and most South-American sides. In spite of being rich in natural talent, they forget that they are footballers, and take to diving once every 5 seconds, just to win free-kicks and penalties.(Go check Cristiano Ronaldo's videos on youtube). The number of dives they put in in one match would put olympic board-divers to shame.
   

Anyway, got to get some sleep now, though I get that's gonna be a lil difficult now. Not only coz there's an Argentina-Mexico game coming up, but mainly coz I have a stomach infection that's getting a lil painful and uncomfortable. :( Hope I'm better by morning, coz I don't wanna miss office, lest I pile up a huge backlog.

Cheers
CRD

WHIMPER NO MORE...

When you'd ask to be walked, I'd beg for some time,
And reluctantly, but surely, take you for your walks

When you'd feel hungry and beg for a bite,
I'd pull off a chunk and give it to you

When you'd scratch shut doors and demand to be let in,
I'd gladly pull the door open for you


When you'd jump on my lap and growl like a cub,
I'd give you your daily leg massage

When you'd turn around and show me your back,
I'd scratch it for you

Whenever there was an argument and we all raised our voices,
You'd tug at our knees, and we'd shut up


When you'd jump on my bed, and ask for your space,
I'd share my pillow with you


Whenever it'd thunder, and you'd shiver, and whimper in fear,
I'd hold you close to make you feel safe

But there you were, struggling to stay alive
fighting death...creeping death,
and I could do nothing...
nothing at all...
Absolutely helpless..

Now, as you lie in your muddy grave,
completely at rest, at peace finally,
the heavens pour down, and the thunder is at its loudest.

But I know, you'll shiver no more,
nor will you whimper...

It's our turn to whimper now.

Miss You Rocky,
We Love You

Wish I could tell you one last time

FINDING MR.RIGHT...

She blew him a kiss and walked back towards us. I saw the love in his eyes as he saw her walk away.

They’d known each other for more than a year now. Everyone could see he loved her. But she was still in denial.

I whispered into her ear, “He loves you, doesn’t he?”

“Yeah”

“What about you, do you love him?”

“I dunno, I haven’t made my mind up yet”

“Why? What’s wrong? I thought you like him too”

“I do like him...but I need some time to think before I decide whether he’s Mr.Right or not.”

“How long does that usually take?”

“I dunno. But when I do, I’ll know it.”

Three months later, on Valentine’s, he sent her a huge bouquet. She gleamed as she took it from him and gave him a sweet little hug.

He had only recently gotten himself a new job. It wasn’t one that was very highly-paying, but it sure was decent.

I whispered to her again, “So, I guess you’ve made up your mind at last.”

“No I haven’t! For heaven’s sakes! You asked me only a few months back.”

“And you haven’t decided yet?”

“No...It’s a very important decision. How can I take such an important decision without thinking well about it”

“Guess you’re right”

A year later, I met them at a party. They never left each other’s side. They only had eyes for each other. They held hands throughout, and if I hadn’t to yell out loud to them, they’d probably never notice me.

I whispered to her, “Well???”

“Naw...I’m still thinking”

I didn’t pursue the matter any further and bade them both a goodbye.

Two weeks later, her facebook profile said she was “committed”

But the album, aptly titled “My engagement snaps” showed her with someone else.

When I met her, I whispered to her again, “So, how’d you meet him?”

“Met him almost two weeks ago. Our parents set us up. Guess what? He’s a green card holder!! I knew I’d find Mr.Right some day”


--- CRD

Now Playing : The Corrs - What Can I Do To Make You Love Me?