Friday, 16 May 2014

SEVEN

It's a blogger's biggest nightmare when he spends hours putting his thoughts on webspace with all the works - images, paragraphs, indentations, bullets, et al - and no one takes notice. So there you are, ready with your post, beaming with pride, sending out teasers and feelers through links on various blogging communities, group pages on FB, tweets and sometimes even through email. And after all this, all you end up with is three comments. Scary, no?

After deep thought, I have come up with seven unique ways to boost the comments tally on your blog. Here they are:-

1) Write something that will really piss off a large section of people
It need not be something controversial. It just needs to be something about someone/something that's really popular. For example, writing a list of NaMo jokes will surely diss a lot of his supporters. Needless to say, you are likely to end up with more than you bargained for - you might get a death threat or two - but what the heck, you want comments and you're guaranteed to get them.

A word of caution though. Writing something on someone unpopular will not reap the desired effect. That way, you might attract a lot of readership, but all that'll happen is that the post will get shared and might go viral if it really is that good...but people will be too excited to comment. Try writing a Rahul Gandhi joke and see what happens.

2) Set up traps
You'll know what I mean if you've watched the SAW series of movies. Make it impossible for the unfortunate suckers who visited to leave without commenting. You could threaten them a virus attack or unsolicited malware, or repeated playing of some Himesh song in the background till they left a comment.



3) Start a rewards scheme
Make an announcement of a readership loyalty reward scheme. Give points to visitors based on number of comments made. Know that  this one's gonna need hard work, MS-Excel, and loads of vela time. But as the adage goes, 'No pain, no gain'.



4) The mutual admiration club
Fail-proof  method to fetch you loyal readers. Stalk a few bloggers and comment on each and every blog post that comes from them. Let the comments be nice and utterly-butterly. And voila, in a few weeks your blog will have unsolicited readership and will fetch the best of comments. A more systematic and concerted effort will make your blog the toast of blogosphere.
5) Emotional blackmail
An illustration for the uninitiated - "I visit your blog so many times...but you've never visited even once. Not fair man." Unless someone's a cold-hearted freak, everyone falls for this trick.


6) Spam
If you can't get em to do it the right way, then spam spam spam till you succeed.

7) Self-help / split-personality mode
Finally, if nothing seems to help, drop a bit of self-respect, create fake blog profiles and comment on your own blog posts. This way you can show off your blog's 'popularity' and hope that it catches on.

There you go then. Hope these work for you. I'll try these out too ;)

Staying on the number SEVEN, my blog turned 7 today. It's come a long way I guess. It can't possibly live longer than I will, but I hope it lives to be 50 at least.

So here's wishing SCRIPTED IN SANITY a very happy 7th birthday.


Cheers

34 comments:

  1. Oh God! Lol... These ideas are freaking me out... First of all a very happy seventh birthday to your blog and congratulations to you too!
    These sugestions seem to come from a serial blogger! Is it???
    You are right- when we put all our efforts hard work into these posts and get no comments or a few, it is sometimes disheartening. Though these comments come from fellow writers more than non-blogger readers. You may be getting awesome traffic on ur site but a few comments- is it really that bad? I dont comment on people's blog for a favour and neither do I eexpect them to like mine for the sake of it! It spoils the fun.... though we love comments if they are from genuine readership and genuine love :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm a serial blogger? :p

      Yeah, what you say is true, but sometimes there's a lot of happiness that comes from mere numbers :p. We're human after all ;)

      Delete
  2. Needless to say i loved the write up! Thinking about spams and puppy face things hahahahaha

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oho! Ek comment ke saath doosra free? I'm loving it :p

      Delete
  3. Death threat on NaMo jokes. Well what when someone brings real flaws in the system - it could be a likelihood to get killed for sure. Save me!

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  4. The worst part is when you think you have put in your best out there and you have poured your heart out, and that post gets lost somewhere.. and at times, when you have not even given a second thought to a post, it goes on to become more popular.. And you wonder.. whats happening !!

    But yes, as writers, we all want to be read.. by hook or by crook as you mentioned above :P

    Btw, a very very happy birthday to your blog.. My it live much more than 50 years !!

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  5. hheheheheh first of all HAPPY BUDDAY TO YOUR BLOG!! 7 years is huge man!!!
    and what can I say about the post. Loved it especially the SET TRAP PART :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hehehe. Liked the pics? Got em done myself :d

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  6. Hey thanks for the tips and Happy 7th Birthday!! :)

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  7. Having made the mistake of walking into your lair, I cannot leave without a comment, no? :)
    Seven years and we've not connected before? Happy blogeversary to Scripted Insanity!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good for you that you didn't take chances ;)

      Yeah, guess Blogosphere ain't a small place after all.

      Thanks for visiting :)

      Delete
  8. hahaha blackmail!! ROFL who wouldn't fall for that :P the virus trap sounds cool to me ;)
    But I can understand when a random rambling post gets more comments than my extremely serious post written after lot of research.

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  9. Oh God!! The last one is like.. Who does that???
    How can you send a virus into the reader's systems? And they won't return anyhow. he he

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, if they don't return, you could spam :p

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  10. Lol what hilarious tips?! I have yet to try a few of them...especially the one with emotional blackmail ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Go ahead. The world is your lab :p

      Delete
  11. And hey, wish your blog a happy 7th birthday :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks - both, for your wishes and for the extra comment ;)

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  12. Happy seventh blogaversary !!!
    I just follow point 4 and it reasonably works...but hey thats not what I'm doing here :D

    Love all the tips...thank you...!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, that's the more socially acceptable way :p

      Thanks Anita :)

      Delete
  13. Point No 7 is truly innovative. Have never read such advice before :) Congrats on turning 7

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. With 'mehnat' and 'hausla' and 'lagan', that is a very effective method :p

      Thanks :)

      Delete
  14. All this for a comment? The 7th tip and the virus threat take the cake if you ask me :D Congratulations on turning 7 successfully :) Happy blogging!!

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  15. Hahhaha
    I thoroughly enjoyed this post CRD. An year back I Wrote a similar post - is blogging a rat race ?
    and gave similar tips. I also can never figure out how and whom people read but U listed some valid points. Adding U to my blog list !

    CONGRATS

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    Replies
    1. Glad you liked it Afshan :) Thanks

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  16. Lol okay okay I admit I'm guilty of wanting to make fake profiles and commenting. Yeah had a deep urge to do that. That was when I started blogging. 7 years a mighty long time. Congratulations man!

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  17. Hahaha!! This is BRILLIANT!

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  18. Haha, this is very funny and enjoyable :-) Happy Birthday. From your introvert post, I'm going to guess you stayed in to celebrate :-)

    ReplyDelete

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