Thursday, 13 December 2012

APOCALYPSE - MY BUCKET LIST


A lil birdie tells me the world is gonna come to an end on the 26th of December 2012. I guess God made sure Jesus didn't miss his birthday celebrations. I wish he’d keep his plans on hold for my benefit too, coz there’s a few things I wanna do before the Apocalypse comes calling.

So here’s my bucket list:-


  • I wanna grab my school Arts teacher who beat kids for lame reasons and kick his ass (jet) black & (navy) blue
  • I wanna perform a drum solo to an Iron Maiden/Pantera/Metallica/ AC-DC classic
  • An Angus Young-esque guitar solo would be equally fulfilling
  • I wanna lobby for pets’ entry into heaven/hell (whichever applies to me)
  • I want Mamata Bannerji to define a  Mhaaoisht  Maoist
  • I want all Premier League teams including Wigan, Reading and West Ham to thrash Man Utd. I want Arsenal to beat Man Utd 10-0
  • I wanna stuff Patrice Evra up ‘Sir’ Fergie’s backside
  • I want the ‘great’ Mr Dhoble to be assigned the task to clean up Shivaji Park
  • I want Maharashtra police to show me a faster way to get arrested than updating my facebook wall
  • I want the ‘Senas’ to extend their good work towards tasks like cleanliness drives. They’d probably do a good job on the borders too – pack em off to Ladakh or Siachen or PoK
  • I wanna get hold of the Jackass cool chap who produces farty noises blows the Shankh on each and every Indian TV serial
  • I want Ram Gopal Varma to direct an entire week’s schedule of CID. I’m sure he can’t do worse than B P Singh
  • I wanna come across a few more women who ‘really’ believe in gender equality. Down with hypocrites and manipulative bitches
  • I want Raghu Ram (of MTV Roadies fame) to spend a week in the Big Boss house and Imam Siddique to make his life hell
  • I want Narain Kartikeyan and Karun Chandok to win a Grand Prix…or to at least finish their races without retiring mid-way
  • I want Kingfisher Airlines to fly again
  • I want my stocks portfolio to show gains
  • I want my income tax refund
  • I wanna yank the masks off fake friends’ faces and to give them the royal finger
  • I wanna refuse an autorickshaw ride and video-record the auto driver’s reaction
  • I want SRK to kick Salman Khan’s ass…literally. And I want Salman to let out a painful yelp…in that stupid accent he acquired from God knows where
  • I want to conduct a poll on which dance step is better - Daler Mehndi’s Tunak Tunak Tun or PSY’s Gangnam Style?
  • I want the Apocalypse to be postponed to after 9th January. I have a birthday too, God
See you on the 27th. Venue to be announced later, depending on what happens on the 26th ;)

Till then, Hasta la Vista!

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